Life Never Simple but yet. . .

This morning I laughed at my huge mess of books and papers that quickly collect along my side of the bed, just past anyone else's view. My husband has purchased book cases, storage bins, desks and all are full, but yet more accumulates. I laugh at a huge mess topped with library checkouts with titles like, 365 days to an Organized life, Simple ways to Organize, Essentialism, Joy of Less, Organize your brain. . . etc.

People say you create your own experience. My closest friends along with acquaintances I most envy are ones that have simple rythms and quick ways to prioritize. As I observe I notice a few things: 1) They are very clear about what is already happening past, present, future so they can say yes or no quickly to requests. 2)Those items in existence are intentional and fit with their value systems. 3)When I am with them, they are fully with me, no distractions, no phone out on the table waiting for a buzz that needs an instant response.

I have recently come to two new or old discoveries about myself that challenge me here. Firstly, I don't allow for my past to influence or add value, so I am constantly reinventing or starting over. Its like I'm trying re-start the same short story over and over, rather then accepting it is here and working through or moving to the next phase of sharing or experiencing it in a larger context. It also happens that in relationships I am always re-working to show my value, rather then relaxing into the silence and listening, because I am still trying to prove my role, or earn my place with another.

The second one I shared with a friend recently was my dilemma at having lots of ideas and intentions, but rather then acting on them or releasing them from my brain, I persepherate and become stuck in them, and feel disappointed in myself and jealous of everyone else, who is acting. His response overwhelmed me, "Maybe there is a third possibility here," he said, "That you aren't valuing yourself enough to act on your ideas." His words sobered me right up. Value my ideas, value my past experiences, value my words, my banked activities and then go for things, what would that look like.

I've got plans, though. I can feel the value in my veins as I consider this and I want to jump and scream and really become useful to myself. I know I can write. I consider the positive responses of strangers, family and friends and wonder why it didn't settle into my finger tips as they type away. Even more, the moments I hear my words as if they are not mine, but something greater and more powerful in a way that changes me. So I got into a tiny experiemantal M.F.A program at Eastern Michigan and I can go sign up for a class at a time if I want and I do want and I will write.

Changes in Adulthood

I am embarking on a journey of change. The overused statement of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Recently a friend mentioned a study on depression saying people who go into a situation expecting one outcome and only seeing that outcome, regardless of what actually transpires. This is me! I keep looking at events as if they have already happened and people as if they are a constant/completed. 

And yet. . . I don't want to be this person.

I don't want to have a story of why I was wronged that I grip for 50 years or a determination that I cannot host a simple supper with friends, without endless stress leading up to it. I believe that others can and do show skills that I might learn from, tap into and thus that I can become capable of accomplishing well. 

What tasks? They range from dressing up in the morning, effective shopping trips, contacting friends, and all the daily tasks of cleanliness and family care to collecting of new intelligences, supporting my marriage, making art, living with creative output, sharing my beliefs and feeling the calm and presence to respond in a loving way to myself and others.

You probably have your own great list of things you wish you were good at or might do someday, maybe when there is time or If you woke up in a new situation. . . I am by nature a dreamer and I come up with endless possibilities that are grand and complicated, but I struggle with commitment, persistence, and completion. 

I have operated through various my background and nurturing into more of a chaotic spontaneous reactor. I am great at efficiency and productivity in response to a call. You need help right now and I can make something happen! It has a huge payoff in the moment, but a longer term wear that I would like to temper. 

I've collected various books on change, have completed a masters in Adult Effectiveness and Change and now want to commit to some very practical applications. I am what I do and so the goal is practical and longterm. 

I am capable of learning new skills that will help me move freely, jump into things that are important and allow me experience the surprises and joys that will come as I begin to open my hands to new skills and possibilities!