The past week has been an emotional one, with exhaustion and heat and a baby inside me that is weighing on my body and soul. I have cried a lot and blamed everyone I can think of for not being more supportive.
In saying it is everyone else's fault, I know that I give up my power and play the role of victim. From some things I recently read about "conscious living," the victim roll is an comfortable place to sit, when you want to drift along and do nothing. There is a sense that you give yourself over to others and let go of choices. It is hard for me to know how to shift back into my own sense of self! I question my role in staying at home with kids, being dependent on others financially and forever having to justify my work and my time. Did I do anything today, because I know at least one person who would say, no. Did I cook, clean, nurture my son, manage everything and if I did something outside of that role, was that selfish. I guess the bottom line is what is my value? Ouch, this one makes me cry, because I don't feel very valued in the eyes of others, which I suppose means I don't value myself much right now.
In my attempt to gain my power back, I have made some demands of others. I am lousy at it, in that I come across as ungrateful and controlling. I think this week I need to be clear in saying what I want. I want to have this baby. I want to write. I want to have Internet access at all times. I want sympathy for being 38 weeks pregnant. I want to let go of household chores. I want to let people's opinions be theirs and not mine. I want to pamper myself, even if I can't think of how. I want to take the entire day off on Monday. This list all feels selfish, but I am not going to delete it. Deep breath!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 03, 2010
Being in My Own World
I spent a few days in Chicago with David this past week. It was a strange adventure for us, with me being 8 months pregnant, David being a little more concerned about his surroundings, and the realization that I am a real foreigner to those parts. No one hailed me as a native, even though I spent almost 10 years in the area.
I saw running friends and working friends and realized that I do not miss the intensity of their lives. The deadlines and stresses and big goals were things that used to consume me, but now sound commical. Not to say that I will not work or run again, as I hope to do both, but those areas do not define me and I do not feel less of a person without them.
I really enjoy being at home every day. Wow, I really can't believe I could say that, but it is true. I love writing, artist collaboratives, watching shows, my neighbors and my family. I don't know if anyone can relate to that, because it is not the thing I am dialoguing with anyone about, but I feel good just saying it!
I saw running friends and working friends and realized that I do not miss the intensity of their lives. The deadlines and stresses and big goals were things that used to consume me, but now sound commical. Not to say that I will not work or run again, as I hope to do both, but those areas do not define me and I do not feel less of a person without them.
I really enjoy being at home every day. Wow, I really can't believe I could say that, but it is true. I love writing, artist collaboratives, watching shows, my neighbors and my family. I don't know if anyone can relate to that, because it is not the thing I am dialoguing with anyone about, but I feel good just saying it!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Giving A Penny
So I am going to take a stab at the topic of money, because it seems to be on my mind all the time. I have never been in the habit of saving or giving to others, but I feel very guilty about it. I heard the analogy recently that when you hold tightly to a penny in your hand, you are missing out on the treasure it would afford you. I think every few days about what I would support, who I want to support and how I absolutely need to start and then I dribble my money into gutters of coffee and craft supplies and toys for David until I think, maybe next month. Ironically, there have been many months when I feel like I get so much more than I need or ask for and I still don't open my fists.
My husband and I recently sat down to talk about our budget and I was excited to know how much I could spend and for a moment thought it would be freeing to have boundaries to work in. I have about $50 a week in our current plan (plus $10 for David), but it was gone so quickly, that I don't want to be accountable or think about how much I blew and continue to blow it. A swimming pool for David for $10, dinner w/ book club for $30, a table cloth for $70, therapy for $20, baby shower gifts for $50, a baby play stroller for David, $25, and misc coffee for $15. So $220 minus $120 = $100 over. This does not include my planned trip with David to Chicago, which will end up being much more. Ugh.
So my pastor's sermons have been about where your money is, there your heart is also. A theme has been that stuff is not life giving. In other words, it does not make me come alive. He talked about letting God excite you, rather than the idea of possessions. There is a deceptive power in our minds that God is holding back and not giving us the delicious fruit from the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil." Somehow we think that the one thing (or many) we don't have is God holding back something good. Pastor Chuck went on to say that economics fuels our discontent, taking our heart's affections away from God. He suggested that the goodness of God is better than the fraudulence of others and asked the question, "What makes you drool for Jesus." His final comment was to start talking about our finances with others. We can talk about any other struggle, but money seems to be a taboo subject. Especially for my family, given we will soon have more of it, which might imply better uses for it????
This all weighs on my heart, so I want to give it over to God and get out of the comparisons, the guilt, the shame and the idol that I make money into.
My husband and I recently sat down to talk about our budget and I was excited to know how much I could spend and for a moment thought it would be freeing to have boundaries to work in. I have about $50 a week in our current plan (plus $10 for David), but it was gone so quickly, that I don't want to be accountable or think about how much I blew and continue to blow it. A swimming pool for David for $10, dinner w/ book club for $30, a table cloth for $70, therapy for $20, baby shower gifts for $50, a baby play stroller for David, $25, and misc coffee for $15. So $220 minus $120 = $100 over. This does not include my planned trip with David to Chicago, which will end up being much more. Ugh.
So my pastor's sermons have been about where your money is, there your heart is also. A theme has been that stuff is not life giving. In other words, it does not make me come alive. He talked about letting God excite you, rather than the idea of possessions. There is a deceptive power in our minds that God is holding back and not giving us the delicious fruit from the "tree of the knowledge of good and evil." Somehow we think that the one thing (or many) we don't have is God holding back something good. Pastor Chuck went on to say that economics fuels our discontent, taking our heart's affections away from God. He suggested that the goodness of God is better than the fraudulence of others and asked the question, "What makes you drool for Jesus." His final comment was to start talking about our finances with others. We can talk about any other struggle, but money seems to be a taboo subject. Especially for my family, given we will soon have more of it, which might imply better uses for it????
This all weighs on my heart, so I want to give it over to God and get out of the comparisons, the guilt, the shame and the idol that I make money into.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Losing Myself
I spent an entire week saying yes to everything but my own writing. It seems that once I commited to a coach and writing group and actual goals with deadlines, I felt completely stuck. I watched other people's kids, slept, read my first sci-fi novel, knit, surfed for fabrics, agreed to purchase group gifts and scheduled a billion meetings. The meetings are for book clubs, weekly artist workshops and parent support groups, but the timing and quantity of initiatives might be a bit much??? I am also contemplating taking on a regular gig with UMich's Center for Poverty, just because I am so flattered that they asked me. In addition, I said yes to leading two committees for my neighborhood, one focused on fun and one on caring for others. All that being said, I did work on collecting bits for two stories and sending them to my writing coach. PHEW!
So where am I now? Looking at several days of busy schedules, with childcare, a trip to Chicago, unfinished projects, little energy for writing and numerous house chores. My man is still in the throws of a crazy month, so I also need to both stay out of his way and I want to be available when he is free for quality hang out time. Further, we may be just 3 weeks away from a new baby.
I am scattered and distracted and tired and hopelessly addicted to avoidance! I am also afraid of open spaces that are dedicated to my own stuff. I feel like yelling "SERENITY NOW," as Kramer did on Sinfeld. So I guess the easiest way for me to manage today is by being intentional!
- I need to just start the clock every day at 1 pm and say go, give my writing 5 minutes to write and then if I am not engaging, allow myself to stop.
- I am going to write for a few hours on Tuesday morning.
- I commit to saying no to any additional commitments.
- (difficult one) I might need to go even farther and back-out of things like parenting conversations, time with people and anything new. Makes me tense just writing it!
So where am I now? Looking at several days of busy schedules, with childcare, a trip to Chicago, unfinished projects, little energy for writing and numerous house chores. My man is still in the throws of a crazy month, so I also need to both stay out of his way and I want to be available when he is free for quality hang out time. Further, we may be just 3 weeks away from a new baby.
I am scattered and distracted and tired and hopelessly addicted to avoidance! I am also afraid of open spaces that are dedicated to my own stuff. I feel like yelling "SERENITY NOW," as Kramer did on Sinfeld. So I guess the easiest way for me to manage today is by being intentional!
- I need to just start the clock every day at 1 pm and say go, give my writing 5 minutes to write and then if I am not engaging, allow myself to stop.
- I am going to write for a few hours on Tuesday morning.
- I commit to saying no to any additional commitments.
- (difficult one) I might need to go even farther and back-out of things like parenting conversations, time with people and anything new. Makes me tense just writing it!
Monday, May 17, 2010
RELATIONSHIP MATTERS
Last week got me thinking about several things, so I am including three BIG thoughts below:
Firstly, I solidified a writing group and coach, to help me focus and work towards finishing a story. Whenever I ask for things, I always assume rejection and feel the vulnerability connected with taking everything personally. If they say no, that means they don't like me, I'm not a good writer, etc. As per the usual "actual response," everyone I asked was enthusiastic. I believe there is much mutual support and energy that will come from working with these women. I am nervous about my own follow-through, but happy to be in the process. My coach has helped me create very specific goals for the week, so it should afford me the class-like structure as well as the deadlines that are critical to my success.
Secondly, I was at a lecture on personal struggles and a question the speaker asked was, what occupied your thoughts over the past week, i.e. what is most important based on your choices/actions. She mentioned that we are tempted to live out of the past. We have a story in our heads about what things should look like, for me, the idea that I should always help others, be available for anyone, do housework with joy and parent with endless energy. I believe that if I just do more and work harder, then I will be happy, because others are happy. The speaker talked about Mary and Martha and their choices, Martha to be overwelmed, focused on meeting demands of the guests and preoccupied with her sister's lack of help, while Mary sat at Jesus's feet. Mary had a profound need, knew Jesus had something to say and prioritized that above anything else. The discussion lead to thinking about where one's center of gravity is, with myself, with others, or with Christ. Jesus calls Martha, saying "Martha Martha," you are all about yourself, but the only thing you need to be about is me, come sit, you need to know me. I, like Martha, hate to dissapoint people. I live in fear of it, making commitments I can't or don't want to keep and constantly feeling guilty for not doing enough. In a process of working through this, I am looking for clarity regarding what is important!
Another thought is about being honest with ourselves. If I am overly critical of others, then I am declairing, "I am committed to being overly critical of others." Likewise with many things including, "I am committed to avoiding deep friendships," "I am committed to being bored while hanging out with my son." Stating my "true commitments," as seen in action really strikes me, as so often I say, I am doing things I don't want to do, but I have no control over them. The reality is that we do have control and with control, options.
A first step in working through all of this seems to be exposing the stories that grab our hearts. Figuring out what we run to, what we believe in, what appears to be life for us. Then, from there, allowing Jesus to call us by name, love us and help us see better choices. For Chrsit to speak to the Martha in us saying, "No, you don't need to do all that or be all that, but rather, I want you to be free and open to listening to me, because I have you!"
Firstly, I solidified a writing group and coach, to help me focus and work towards finishing a story. Whenever I ask for things, I always assume rejection and feel the vulnerability connected with taking everything personally. If they say no, that means they don't like me, I'm not a good writer, etc. As per the usual "actual response," everyone I asked was enthusiastic. I believe there is much mutual support and energy that will come from working with these women. I am nervous about my own follow-through, but happy to be in the process. My coach has helped me create very specific goals for the week, so it should afford me the class-like structure as well as the deadlines that are critical to my success.
Secondly, I was at a lecture on personal struggles and a question the speaker asked was, what occupied your thoughts over the past week, i.e. what is most important based on your choices/actions. She mentioned that we are tempted to live out of the past. We have a story in our heads about what things should look like, for me, the idea that I should always help others, be available for anyone, do housework with joy and parent with endless energy. I believe that if I just do more and work harder, then I will be happy, because others are happy. The speaker talked about Mary and Martha and their choices, Martha to be overwelmed, focused on meeting demands of the guests and preoccupied with her sister's lack of help, while Mary sat at Jesus's feet. Mary had a profound need, knew Jesus had something to say and prioritized that above anything else. The discussion lead to thinking about where one's center of gravity is, with myself, with others, or with Christ. Jesus calls Martha, saying "Martha Martha," you are all about yourself, but the only thing you need to be about is me, come sit, you need to know me. I, like Martha, hate to dissapoint people. I live in fear of it, making commitments I can't or don't want to keep and constantly feeling guilty for not doing enough. In a process of working through this, I am looking for clarity regarding what is important!
Another thought is about being honest with ourselves. If I am overly critical of others, then I am declairing, "I am committed to being overly critical of others." Likewise with many things including, "I am committed to avoiding deep friendships," "I am committed to being bored while hanging out with my son." Stating my "true commitments," as seen in action really strikes me, as so often I say, I am doing things I don't want to do, but I have no control over them. The reality is that we do have control and with control, options.
A first step in working through all of this seems to be exposing the stories that grab our hearts. Figuring out what we run to, what we believe in, what appears to be life for us. Then, from there, allowing Jesus to call us by name, love us and help us see better choices. For Chrsit to speak to the Martha in us saying, "No, you don't need to do all that or be all that, but rather, I want you to be free and open to listening to me, because I have you!"
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