Affirmations

I have struggled to know what matters to me amid the many voices I encounter, I am fighting for my time, and ultimately, my voice. I am the youngest of seven kids, compliant by nature and forever seeking positive attention from others as validation for who I am. I received good support in my working careers to validate my “business” self-worth, though my motivation was often external. I tend to want to do the work of others, to help, to solve problems in order to receive their praise.  In being a “home-maker,” “stay at home mom” or whatever seemingly derogatory term that is pinned to me, I am my own boss and my own evaluator. There is no one observing my performance and writing my review, and thus I forever wonder how I am doing.                 

I am trending towards a Generation X’er on this subject. Somehow I want people to say, good job for getting up this morning, for making breakfast, and the billion little things that I should not need to be complimented for, but somehow I long to be praise about. When complaining about receiving few “hoorays,” my friend asked me what I wanted credit for. This got me thinking that I want cudos for the tiny things I do, which sounds egocentric, but feels important in helping me appreciate my current career. So I am making a list of good jobs.

I want to recognize for myself for:

1. Changing diapers, lots and lots of them.

2. Feeding my kids every few hours.

3. Writing a novel and blog (something I cannot live without).

4. Opening my home to my neighbors several times a day.

5.  Being available and showing up for friends.

6. Bathing my kids (which takes a lot of energy!).

7. Endlessly wanting them to be successful!

7. Waking up by the alarm of little cries calling for me.

8. Staring and/or Participating in billions of clubs – freezer meals, 2 book groups, writing group, women’s group, journal class, Bridge club, Animae club and Artist group.             

Of course the opposite list of failures would be much longer and might start with failing to show up for God and my husband. I know that I need to work on being more like Mary, by just sitting at Jesus’s feet, rather than playing the crazy worker with no space for what matters. It is exhausting to try and be legitimate for others, to be perceived as a good mom, and to look competent when frankly, it will never be enough to satisfy the perceived critics that surround me. Kids want more, friends come and go, you can’t do everything your spouses way and ultimately I can’t and don’t make others happy.