I called my best friend today saying I can't give myself permission to write. That I am failing at relationships, mothering and creating. A few times, today included she tells me what she tells her yoga students, "Accept your body as it is for at least the next 60 minutes." She also said, "You are doing the best job you can right now." I try to argue otherwise, but she insists that with what I have and where I am, that this is it.
The problem for me is in deciding. Do I A: Clean so my husband will be happier, B: Write so I know why I am so disengaged, C: Prepare for tonights mystery dinner, where I am narrating, D: Pay attention to my 8 month old Isaac laughing on my lap and saying "da da da, awooh, ba ba, wa, wa." E: Get a job to become "legitimate" to adults. Every choice or future has a BIG sign reading something like FEAR, WORRY, and UNKNOW just above it. It is like I am a weather forecaster standing in a room without a script or clue what is being projected behind me, so have to pretend I know what is coming. (Do I even know what I am saying in this second?)
The tangible actions today were groceries and laundry but the intangible was living inside my head. I am so distracted I can't hear anything my kids are saying. Is this me doing my best? Is this blog entry a hopeless bit of my conscience asking me to pay attention, to write the gunk out of me and onto a page I never have to read again?
If I were one of my super organized sisters, I could fit the details into my life more comfortably, but I am not. If I were a professor, I might be smarter. I just read David Copperfield and I wonder if I am his first wife, Dora, who is simple and incapable of growing. Like her, details never feel easy. (I want to get other people's choices out of my heads.)
Living in this moment means not worrying about what might happen. I just need to take the deep breaths and let myself be ok without approval, to know that I am doing my best and enjoy being right here.
2 comments:
Oh, I am so sorry to read about your sadness and struggle right now. When I saw you today I thought you needed support, that I might be able to help. Your whole body seems sad. I know no one can fix this for you and make you whole, and I also know there is a lot of joy in your life each day. Your struggle is about living consciously and that is worthy of admiration. I support and admire you. Your best friend is so right (disclaimer: not talking about myself!). I used to tell my mom when she was really struggling through menopause: Be As You Are. Maybe try giving yourself the same acceptance and compassion you are so wonderful at giving others?
I completely agree with Kaleigh, Sonia! If you could only accept yourself the way that you are so good at accepting other people... Whether or not you believe it, you *are* doing an amazing job. That's the objective reality.
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