In the past few days I have sat around thinking about personal struggles with abusers, navigating in relationships and how I play active or passive roles in engaging. My friend Melissa wrote an amazing blog about doing the dishes or not doing the dishes, that everyone should read!! She says the following: "There are only ever really two options: do the dishes or don't do them." http://casting-off.blogspot.com/ (Entry for April 13)

I think about this in terms of "save money, or don't, cook or don't, clean or don't, write or don't. The test of deciding what is important to me and what is not is tricky. I often pretend I don't have two options, and then leave the dishes like an unreturned phone call I may never return.

My husband is responsible for cleaning the kids ears and so they are either cleaned or not. If I want them clean, I can clean them, but I don't. He will get to it and manage it if it is important and I have to trust that things will be just fine.

I can't help but think this is same thing with relationships. I can call people I love or who I think need me or not. In reality, I tend not to and then spend hours thinking about how I should call. I keep wondering about this because I would never state that I don't want to talk, but my actions speak for themselves. I passively avoid the conversations. When I do talk, I often think that I don't want to say what I am thinking and flounder on to topics like the weather.

 My friends blog says, "Procrastination is Fear." I think it has to do with fear. Fear of being vulnerable, rejection, bored, alone. Maybe my blog is the answer. I want to talk to all of you, but I don't know how to be there to listen. I have ADD and worry about what I am not asking, remembering or saying to help you. On the flip side, I love moments where we are free to talk about anything and everything without worrying about if we will be ok, because we are in it for the long haul (or we are scheduled to speak again next Sunday night or at Book Club or Small Group or at dinner tonight).

My friends all know what they are going to make for dinner, when they will clean the house and they call me. Sadly, I can't even tell you the last time I showered. I have to believe there is more for me in all of this, so I will keep writing and hope you will keep reading, because I want to believe in you and to experience our lives growing and expanding because of each other. If I don't call you back today, know that I just am not comfortable enough to be honest with you in person and hope I will be bigger tomorrow.