Tough God

This month I have been trying to make God make sense. My dilemma with a good God is that I can't figure out how he can be in my court, when I am not following him. In much of the Old Testament, God is letting people die. I read story after story to my three year old about mass destruction, Noah's Ark, Joshua conquering Jericho, Pharaoh's army being covered by the sea,  David killing the giant. In studying the book of Amos, I learn that God finally says to his people, this is it, I am not going to listen or relent, i.e. the dialogue is over and now many people are going to be wiped out.

I believe that God is just and perfect in his love, but I don't understand how I fit, because what I do leads me to think I should be punished. What can he be thinking when I try to ignore my screaming kids for 5 more minutes in bed. Does he want this world, this way? I have to think, "No." Does he have a choice about what happens, "I believe he does."

Last week I ask some friends why God created us, when it feels like we never do anything right. One said, why did you become a parent? I know that Christ died for my sin, so the equation changed. That God does label me by what I do, but sees Christ death as the payment for my selfishness. I know that I choose kids, even though I struggle in it and that terrible things will happen to them in their lives. I don't want to live on the set "The Truman Show," all happy and fake.

I want the raw and the pain and God's word saying, even though you have done it again, "I will relent." I want to hear him say, "Sonia, I want to know you and be with you despite everything you did today. " I feel the same in responding, "Despite your wrath and even knowing I have to accept Christ died on my behalf, I can love and not fear my future, or that of my kids. I could lose the things most precious to me and be rejected by everyone I care about, but God will not leave me. Today, I reach for that.