Editing A Life

I attended a local writing conference this weekend to find inspiration in the process. What the leader of my workshop, Margo Rabb and others seemed to repeat most was, there is no easy way in or out of the process. It is all hard! Without saying anything about the choice in being a writer, someone who knows my tendency to quit after a given amount of time, recently encouraged me to stick with it.

Stephen King's definition of a writer is, "She who shuts the door." This idea comes back to me this week as I think kick my fists against the table, because I said yes to everything except my writing time. My best friend writes daily and when I talk to her, I hear the rich calm, that comes with congruence between action and belief.

I find myself wanting to be like her or Margo Raab or any number of committed writers, who have a novel under their belt. I think, maybe if I write something profound, people will stop and say, "I want to know her." This idea moves me away from sharing my stories and stuck in the pursuit of get people's approval.

I read an article by David Mills entitled, "Overcoming 'Self-Esteem': Why our compulsive drive for 'self-esteem' is anxiety-provoking, socially inhibiting, and self-sabotaging." The writer spends several pages explaining why action based self-worth creates high stakes and performance based mood-swings. His answer is that if you eliminate ratings you can observe the world honestly and live freely.

So I sit here observing the world in hopes that I can enjoy this moment. I can play the role of me as me, let you be you as you, without any pressure to be anything more than that. As Bridget Jone's man says it, "I like you just the way you are," or said another way, "I like me that way too, sweaty armpits, wild fly aways in my hair and fictional shorts with titles like "Intercourse" and "Gonorrhea" that I may never be brave enough to let anyone read.