More on Lying

Recently my three year old son has been talking to himself and when I try to jump into his world he says, "mom, i'm not talking to you." He thinks out loud, so I don't have to guess what is going on. On the flip side, I have a close friend whose boyfriend is abusive and I skit around them, like we are sand crabs jumping into our separate holes to avoid the truth. 

Another friend and I are the exact opposite. For some reason I tell her how I am lying to my therapist, so she will think she is doing a good job and she says, "why don't you tell her that." I get quiet, feeling panicked at the thought. Telling her I am lying feels like taking a weapon and harming her to the point she is devastated. It speaks to my ultimate fears of rejecting others and them rejecting me. 

My final thought about truth is in my sister who can't live without seeking wholeness and restoration. She confronts her past, issues within the family, abuses and she does not stop hoping for healing. When we all jump into our little holes and try to hide from her quest, she waits at the entrance, ever wanting to move through the pain to something better! 

Early in my relationship with my spouse, he would constantly read my emotions and encourage me to spill my guts. The truth is that over the years, that game put all the work on him to draw me out. I am thankful that we both evolved to a place where I can communicate independently of waiting for him to ask. 

This week as I have worked on truth, I went to my last session and told my therapist that what I need to work on going forward is telling the truth. I told her that the pressure to say what I think she wants clouds my work. She was quiet and I am not sure she heard me, but maybe it gets me closer to the practice of honesty.

Her last suggestion to me was that any change has to be a daily practice. Overcoming fear of your rejection, like a phobia of spiders, should be treated with continuous exposure. I attempt to risk judgement in this blog, to see if I can live on to do it again tomorrow. If I can spill open a little more every day, you will know me and I you in a way that is honest and far reaching.