The Itch in my Throat

I have had a cough for over a month now. It started with a horse throat and now the act of responding to the tickle in my throat has caused me to have pains in my back and sides.  When talking, I sometimes end up doubled over in a fit of hacking. People stare and ask if I am ok. My kids imitate it like it is funny and now my sides hurt so badly I am taking meds for the pain. I even went to the doctor on Tuesday to try and find some miracle cure. He was very thoughtful about it, but could not give me a diagnosis. 

Over this fight in my body, I survived a wedding, a reunion, cramming in a The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lack’s for book club, helping my sister with her newborn, community responsibilities and attending events every night this week. 

This morning after my husband woke up, I told him I needed to go out for a while and write.  In this moment I am sitting at my coffee shop drinking dark hot cocoa and all I can think is that I want to be alone. If only I could call in sick from life for the day, but my kids need attention and people are coming to our house for lunch and dinner.

In my dreams I watch family members and friends desperately need things and wake up with the stress of trying to understand my role in responding to them. I wonder if I can give myself permission to say that I come first.

My writing coach and I have had a repeat conversation, where I tell her I am not making time to write. We have analyzed reasons, made schedules, put together ways for me to ask for time and the bottom line for me is that I have to believe it matters enough to say no to everything else for a few hours a week. Oh and of course to practice asking for help to so I can get those hours.

My phobia is in troubling others with: “can you watch my kids?” To overcome it I need to do it a lot and accept “no” from one person and then moving on to ask another and another and another. I have to know that sometimes it will mean others don’t get my attention. The ultimate truth for me is that it is a sacrifice and act of love to listen to my life so I can show up in relationships.