I Need You

On a recent camping trip in Sleeping Bear Dunes, I noticed several times that kids close to my 5 year olds age would stop and stare at him and his friends in a tranced or longing way. Then they would move closer or head off, but for a moment, you could tell they wanted to connect.

On Tuesday night as I ran down Park Ave past a fastish looking woman, I did the same thing. I eyed her, almost turned to go along with her and thought of how I might find out who she was so I could ask her to run with me. I eye neighbors, church visitors and want to know their stories. I stroke my boys forearms and cheeks when they lay down to sleep and want to hear their day's stories, what they are thinking about, believing and hoping for and always wish I could engage them better.

My best friend decided to live on a boat again, and she made the comment that we would not have much time to talk after her move. She is in a great place, heading to Haystack, writing amazing stories, getting responses from literary journals and now taking a leap of faith as she literally casts off! She doesn't have many minutes on her cell plan or consistent reception and I panic inwardly knowing I can't spontaneously access her.

I also realize as I sit in the library to write on a Sunday afternoon that I only write when people send me off. An hour ago my husband said, "Why don't you go off and write now?" I said, "ok," and here I am. On Monday the babysitter comes and I write. I rarely work in the early morning or late at night and wonder if I need to focus or accept that this is how it is right now.

I seek external direction for the internal work of studying human change. Now I look at impending Fall, my boys both signed up for their first ever schools, and I turn my gaze to anything that might prod me on (or distract me from losing time with them). I read about the program InsideOut, teaching writing to kids in Detroit and long for the task, I comb through Eastern's Creative Writing Classes and want to be in conversation with students. I notice my neighbors and consider a Community Bible study on relationships, art and Jesus. I pray that God will lead me into the right spaces; that my ears will crane towards what is lasting.