Jumping Off

I have had the sobering realization this week that I am a jumper. I love new groups, new adventure, new hair colors, trying to convince people that I am cool and thinking I am easing others anxiety by being interested and talking with them. Early in the process of two new kids schools I told my husband, "I am finally feeling like myself," in a rhythm and enjoying things.

The hard  moment came when I sat with my therapist and explained my excitement and somehow we landed in a tough hole, because of the pattern presented. I love getting to please new people, offer to be little miss helpful and appear friendly to avoid the longer term work in relationships that seem less glamourous or easy. I hate to admit it, but I am a bailer, because I can't live up to the self I presented to yesterday's acquaintances. I can convince myself of all the reasons being friendly is good and how the people I already know don't need me or are too much effort or might be a little narcissistic, but the reality is I can't keep up appearances with them. I can't help and save and be likable all the time and they may even see me as flakey, since I haven't called them back.

It really made me sad and scared as I walked out of my identity as a person"good to know," because now I am caught. If I go forward in that vision, it will lead to longer term relationships that will get messy or that will lapse and I will be empty with no one to look to for guidance. A robot without a working operator. So my other extreme would be to let all go, run naked through the streets yelling, "I am Sonia.  I hate you anyway."(while whispering, please don't judge me and this has nothing to do with you).

One of the challenges is jumping from a map that feels safe and habitual, being friendly and likable, to a map that doesn't exist. My best friend has a boat and she is literally going to move onto a boat and sail it away (see her posts). I am jealous. I must as the age old question, "Do I really want to change and if so, How do I do it." How can I engaging from a real place, not fun land where I am your concierge.

I am looking for my own life-wide internal revolution. All i can think is that I need a spiky ear piercing or mohawk. Stepping away from my set role is scary, but somehow the crowd of new faces is not the answer I used to think it was. I am struck by the patience and longevity I have with a man, two boys and a church small group that rides along side me through my fear of being myself, whoever that may turn out to be. I hope I can navigate towards a new trail that takes me to beautiful alcoves, new meadows within my dwelling places and yours.