Change is Coming

I feel like I am waking out of a fog. That the unstructured spaces of improv play over the summer are now being filled with ballroom competitions. All summer, we have woken to mosquitoes and chores and neighbors knocking at 7:30 am asking to play. We have done as we pleased, going to parks, swimming at the Y, while all the time talking about the possibilities available to us within a morning, an afternoon, an evening.

My heart races forwards this week as I shift to the order of two night classes, Several Groups (Church, Writing, Reading and Moms and Meals groups), the start of "The Artist Way," and kids programs. On Saturday I decided it was time to get back into running as the weather is perfect and I am done with being sick. On top of all that, we have more community responsibilities in September then the next three months combined. The switch is dramatic and I find my blood pulsing faster and my pen constantly re-working my schedule to make sure I know where I am supposed to be right now.

My blogs over the summer feel lonely. I have written about social anxiety and the perceived cost of service vs selfishness and in the struggle I wonder if I have lost all my readers. When I began writing, the emphasis was on change and experimentation, so that I could be gutsy in my life. Somehow it has moved towards exposing guts, my bloody innards that are the undercurrents I am sucked into when I choose not to be in control.

My desire today is to look for the bounty. To give thanks for my hour to write. To rejoice in the precious time I get to play lego's with David. To let go of my striving and anxiety and the barking cough that still lingers.

I keep reading blogs of others and am struck by the spaces they create in words. Karen Schreck sits on the train watching a woman draw a humming bird, then shares her own connection with the robin outside her window. The book my mom's group is going to be referencing is "1000 Thank You's," about someone who starts listing every little thing that is good.

So to start my list, I am thankful that a friend in my meals group said she did not get to making her meal, giving us all permission to have more time to get our food together. It helps me realize I do not have to accomplish everything. Another is having my son not want me to leave, because though I know he will be fine without me, I still love to be close to him and spend time loving him. A third is getting time to run! I am surprised I have not written more about that, seeing as it is my best anti-depressent money can't buy and my all-time favorite activity.

Today I am glad for deadlines and structure in this new season!