In the middle of a long hill

In the last two weeks of long runs, I have felt like I can finally push the hills and sprint the finish, even going the extra 2 miles beyond the group when someone needs a companion for their marathon training. In both runs, two different runners who usually lead the pack have had to drop back or out, due to physical issues (symptoms like GI, lack of sleep, etc.). One of the others running made the comment, "I hope he is ok, this must be so hard for him to be behind." I responded with, "No, he has been running for over 20 years so he knows it is just a bad day and that next week, he will be back in front pulling us all."

For my first two months of training, I was in the back, wondering how the faster runners would perceive me as I huffed up hills and fought to keep then in sight. I shared my times, but could not come close to proving my speed. I fought to say internally, I have nothing to prove and this is all ok. I have been running for 25 years and it feels easier and more hopeful to tie my shoes and hit the road then to write or parent or plan my husband's birthday celebration (he is turning 35 tomorrow).

My hard thing for today is surviving a full week of sick kids, with a recent exposure to a new stomach illness (no symptoms yet, so pray!), all just before we are scheduled to travel to Florida. My 19 month old is hitting and crying and often inconsolable, and I feel it must be my fault, that I am not doing what I should. My 4 year old plays alone a great deal, because I put him off and look for any physical task like dishes or laundry to avoid being a fighting super heros. It is like I am the older sister being forced to play with my kid brother. I know that there is a balance in it all, that I love being with my kids, and that I put too much on myself, which makes me feel dark, especially as we are stuck at home.

So yesterday I did a long pool run and took the printed verses I received at my mom's group to memorize. This week it was Psalm 103. It is all about God's forgiveness and love if we fear him. That his righteousness even extends to our children. It is an amazing thing to know that he does not repay us for what we have done or remain angry forever and that his love is as big as the distance from earth to heaven. It mentions several times my role is to fear him. This seems to make my actions and inactions a little less critical, knowing the Lord is my father and he loves in spite of me. Today I may have to slow down and walk the hills or call for a cab on my run, but tomorrow I will step out again, and chances are, the hills will feel a little more manageable.