Losing You

A close friend recently shared her work in dealing with a relationship and problems from the past in a desire for healing and wholeness for them both. In our correspondence she spoke of her fear of damaging our relationship by doing this work. It was a surprise to hear that fear about us, because my initial response was that nothing could hurt us.

Thinking about it further, however, I realize that losing people is often less about a dramatic incident, and more about my slow distancing. It is like watching a tree die, limb by limb, as I slowly become less personal or open, to the point that we both stop calling. I often feel sad about the numerous people who I cast off in this manner. Great friends from HS and College who loved and believed in me and wanted to  know me. At the time I could not meet my own expectations of being good enough or available enough or open enough to what I thought they wanted and so I caved under my own pressure.

The people who did not accept this are my closest friends. They continue calling when I will not answer and then pick up when I finally dial back. They inspire me with their fights for what they believe in often in direct conflict with upbringing, family and friends. When we are together they tell me repeatedly that I am a good mom, that I am a good writer, or whatever it is they know I need to hear (and that they sincerely believe about me). I want to be like them. And I want to be able to tell my friend there is nothing she could do that would make me lover her any less, because that is what faith and hope and Christ's love are about.

I recently forgave myself for all my failing people and decided God would cover my losses, my lack of relating and that some day we would be restored and together, like in old times. For you who I cherish today, I am so thankful for moments and glimpses of deep love we have together and I hope there will never be anything that separates us.