One Hour To Becoming

If you had an hour to yourself, what would you do with it. I have four whole hours on Monday's to write. I am dedicating one of it to prayer. I did this today, but it took time to accept and decide it would be worthwhile. I show up in a rush to accomplish something meaty and quick, and then settle with a timer and nothing else. The question I grapple with is, Is God worth my hour. For all he does and has given me, I cringe at my question. I feel guilt and sweat and despair at how terrible it sounds to ask if God is worthy of me, when I know I am so unworthy of him.

Taking my notebook and praying was easier then I imagined. The people and concerns and hearts of my friends came into view. I spent little time praising and wondering about God, even as I kept coming to that place and trying to focus on God himself. "God, Who are you?" Why do you love me, despite my lack of loving you back? Do you have to forever prove your value, like I have to prove myself to my neighbors, parents, friends and faith community. If I do the right things, then I am ok enough for today.

I call on God when I am desperate, but what about the relationship, the two-sided conversation about my quirky dad (here on a visit). What about my ability to write or create as a calling from God. It is not meant to be a defiant battle to include God or an exercise in robotic obedience, but a sitting as me with a real God.

So much of my life seems to be about the list of to-do's in making meals, showering, cleaning up, managing kids, etc. Are the daily chores about faith or works?  There is a risk in trying, because I might fail and if I succeed then it is a brief relief, followed by the next task that I have to worry over. I would like to celebrate fall temperatures, a meal, a sentence, a conversation with God and simply enjoy being in my own skin.

I have three stories in the works that are close to finished. One is my Celeste who shall show up in my  novel one day. She expresses so much of what I hope to accomplish in growing and becoming one's own. Maybe I will post some of her story here.