I can't believe its been 5 months since I said a word here. Since then, I received my decline from Michigan's MFA program. Since then, I have believed and then doubted my calling. There is a frantic chaos to my head right now as I type in a coffee shop. I feel the silence of my blog and long for some explosion of new hopes. Some epiphany of Spring, some miracle in turning 37. I guess this new year is a good place for me to begin again. To dream of the liberation Zacheaus feels when Jesus looks straight at him and says, Come Down (from the tree), because I am coming to your house. A freedom to let Christ see me. Then like Zacheaus to form a new plan.
Yesterday, I submit a page of words to a writing group and with their feedback, shriveled up. I hear often that my prose are dense, a lyrical challenge, and it is a struggle to get through a paragraph. I want to be simple and clear, but that is not currently how my brain functions. I seem to trip over my own language.
I let all my emotions loose on my therapist on Wednesday and his first comment was, this is a good place to be. It's true. The second had to do with a strategy for difficult moments. I can tell myself, "It's going to be ok and It's going to get better.
Step three included skills for supporting myself.
The skills include:
Powerful thinking - I can write. I love telling stories.
Accepting difficulties - I am failing in some areas, but I am capable of continuing and and trying again
(its ok if people don't like me)
I have a safe space inside me to breath - God is a loving, nurturing and warm presence
I can work on balance - running & writing as time with self, and prioritizing people over tasks!
I can name my feelings - anger, fear, sadness, guilt and watch them - Then ask what I need as a result.
I can meet my needs (and/or ask for God's help and receive his grace)
The final step in today's planning is that I am committing to a blog. Committing to a place where I log my life and seek renewal. In this cyber space, I would like to record my life and also explore local writing opportunities, in an effort to create an educational structure to grow communication and find channels for expression and translation that can connect me with a broader audience.
Thanks to anyone who is listening!!!
4 comments:
Ambitious and brave post. I'm reminded of a documentary about Neil Young I saw, where he said he puts the music first even if it means hurting people's feelings, but that there's a consistency to that. It's like if we figure out what the most important thing is, and focus on that, we can let everything else fall by the wayside. Including whether or not people like us!
1. I sometimes think that what I do for a living is get rejected ; )
2. YEAY to writing and sharing and blogging and growing! Looking forward to reading more.
3. I'm thankful life is a journey and not a test [even though I sometimes try to make it into one].
Not sure why I am making a bulleted list...
Annie
Annie
Thanks for the words. I know my tendency to want to please and to fear rejection. I think that if I make the right cookies I will somehow be better off, until they are eaten and I have missed myself or God in the experience.
I was just thinking that we are getting closer to another Faith and Writers Conference. Strange how the time goes. I need to hear about the calling and continue forward.
Or maybe what we do for a living is grow calluses to rejection! The more I work, the more I think I need to be fearless when it comes to putting out work, but that means knowing my own heart and what it is that I want to create. As far as I'm concerned, that's the hardest part. We all have a tendency to want to make other people happy by our work--whether it's cooking, housekeeeping, or writing...
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