Just before leaving for Chicago, my therapist asked me to
ask God the question, “Do you love me?” So I asked and asked and asked and
trembled in the silence that followed, knowing I had to trust God to speak. I want to control God’s relationship
with me from a distance, saying, “God loves you, he loves every, he is love.” I put my words in his mouth.
Then I spent four days with Dorcas and as I sat at her table,
I knew God loved her and so she was free to love me, I just had to receive her
love.
Another response to the question, “God, Do you love me,” is
in watching how Jesus loves Peter. He prays for Peter [Luke 22:32]: “Simon
[Peter], Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat;
but I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you
have turned again, strengthen your brothers.”
Catholics believe that all the Saints are above, looking
down and praying for us. In Dante’s Devine Comedy, Virgil comes to guide Dante,
because Beatrice begs him to. I opened to the first page last Monday (coming
into the Last Supper) and reading to he intro placed me in Dante’s shoes. To
paraphrase: It is the eve of Good Friday, Dante is 35 and climbing a mountain
where he finds himself in a dark wood of Error. He tries to run back to the
valley and meets Virgil, who offers to guide him through the spirits of pain to
get to bliss and Beatrice.
Dorcas and I attended her House Church in the heart of Rodgers
Park (a rough neighborhood). There were an eclectic mix of ethnicities, ages
and beliefs all sitting together to contemplate pain as seen in Exodus 5. In
the chapter, the Israelites ask for a few days off to sacrifice to God and Pharaoh
gets angry and increases their work, and pain. As they complain, Moses goes to
God and prays, “O Lord, why have You brought harm to this people? Why did You
ever send me? Ever since I came to Pharaoh to speak in Your name, he has done
harm to this people and You have not delivered Your people at all.” As we sat
on couches struggling to find an explanation, I jumped in with reason for
suffering, saying pain is about seeing God, growing stronger and living the
call of Jesus. Answers, answers, answers. I don’t experience chronic pain, migraines, or stage 4 cancer, as people there do.
I want to consider how I can be amidst the questions and
struggles, and people listening for God in them.
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