Can't Say Yes?

Many people have been asking for my help with childcare and I have felt the frustration of being unable to say no. This came in the wake of my last post about how I should say no. I couldn't do it and even heard myself volunteer help with childcare, hosting events, making meals and hosting people and pets. Then I heard about an interfaith community in the 90's that tried to be communal and imploded because some people became dictators for those who lacked parental nurturing in childhood. Why is it hard to live with others, even if we believe the same thing?

My therapist suggested this morning that I write down my responses and have them ready for anyone who asks. My plan is to keep notecards of words that say no. 

Here's some ideas (though I know they sound mean)?

-If someone approaches with a question about my time or situation, I can say, "Why are you asking?"

-I am quite busy managing my own needs.

-I have a lot going on in my head right now.

-If questioned on what I am doing (to justify not helping b/c I am at home) I can say, I am feeling manipulated

-You have your needs and I have mine

-It is my prerogative to make decisions for me and you for you.

-I don't want to

-There is a no behind every yes. If I say yes to you, I say no to me.

-A personal goal right now as I work on a bad habit of ignoring myself is that, "I am not aloud to compulsively explain myself or be a compulsive care giver."

So if I go through my list each day, I am hoping to get to a place of clearer communication within myself and then towards others. The other goal is to speak my faith and life as myself. I want to show up, instead of hiding behind being a do-er. I do want to help and be helped, I just need practice in healthier spaces.

My fight is against my desire to be a child in making everyone else my dictator, continually trying to justify my presence in saying "Yes." I don't want to hate myself or others in doing their work, and so I seek for an identity and a place to be real.

I want to state my beliefs, what is important on cards as well. More to come. . .