I AM A YES ADDICT

I have decided that I am a YES ADDICT. I have the nice list of ways to decline, that I keep adding to which includes, "That won't work," "I can't," pretending I did not receive or hear the request, and deflecting attention from me by saying: "What's up? or What options do you have?" And yet, on the third and fourth request that come in from the same person, I say, Sure or Yep or Ok. I suppose I should ban those words as well. I really want to say, FINE and then curse (except that I have trouble swearing), because I don't want to do the work. I do want people to get what they need, it's just I am tired of being their only solution. If someone asking suggests they are trying to help me practice my "no," I am all the more intent on proving that I can help them. I respond with Yes and think, "Don't tell me I can't say YES." Classic addiction, right? I can control myself, really, I can. And then I am back in the pattern of being little miss helpful at my own expense.

So I am taking a YES-FAST. Not aloud to say the word. Ideally, I can use all the time I am not living up to my "Yes'es" for others to be on Sabbatical. To be awake to myself, to God. Off doing, off pleasing, off pretending I am a good person.

What does my dishing out "No's" look like in reality? I assume you will call me names like "Mean" (just like a two yr old did this morning after I told him to vacate the sandbox after repeatedly throwing sand). Saying I am mean makes me crazy, but being a compliant Yes woman is worse!  To move past this kind of relating, I want to talk about life with you. I want to ponder why faith in God and not ourselves is so threatening. As for my being able to say no. I suppose you will just have to repeatedly ask me to do something and see what happens.

(Even as I write this, I know I will want to help you out of my own discomfort at not meeting what I perceive is your expectation for me. This is my illness and I know I will have to keep working on it for life. Sigh.)