Who am I?

My family took a road trip from Friday until yesterday to visit my dad near Lancaster, PA. The trip added up to about 9 hours each way. There was a mix-up with the arrival date, so at 1:30 AM, the security guard at the Retirement Community who was supposed to have keys and show us to our room, had no information on our stay. I did not have the room name either. It took man an hour of slow looking through notebook and paper stack and locker and computer to conclude that he should call someone, despite my begging for anything (a couch, a closet, the lobby floor). So at around 3 AM after he called the woman in charge, we got to our room and all attempted sleep.

I took on my role as host, and tried to figure out food, entertainer for four very different people, activity planner, etc. Tense moments, left me feeling anxious, until my neck and shoulder pulsed in pain. Half way through day two, I realized my whole effort lay in trying to get past now and make it to the next thing without anyone being unhappy. Just get to through the meal of fish and bland chicken, just get through the vacuuming and hall clearing, just occupy the kids to keep them out of the way, just have real moments being with my dad, trying to make him comfortable, just have a good conversation. I did honestly didn't give much of anything to my husband, besides permission to work. Then on to sleep and waking so my husband could sleep in, my dad could rest, my kids would say they had a good time.

I wonder about getting through, because I miss being with my family. I miss enjoying each smile, each, tear and the silly jokes between the boys. Taking it further, I ultimately resent myself for bailing. What is it about saying how I want to be present in this space. I could have just made a plan that included me.

Meanwhile, my shoulder gripped tighter. I did not write, run, sleep in, read or sit alone. I deferred to the moment someone would give me permission to be alone, as my neighbor had the hour before the trip, telling me to go for a run while she watched the kids.

I keep wondering about Moses at the burning bush. He keeps telling God to give the Exodus mission to someone else. He talks back to God at least four times.
1. "Who am I, That I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt?" (Ex3:13) God has a long answer about being God, the one who will do the work.

And then Moses tries again. . .
2. "What if they will not believe me or listen to what I say? For they may say,'The Lord has not appeared to you." (Ex 4:1) So God gives Moses the power to take objects and turn them into living things.

And that not enough, Moses goes on with. . .
3. "Please Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither recently nor in time past, nor since You have spoken to Your servant; for I am slow of speech and slow of tongue." God Answers with, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes him mute or deaf, or seeing or blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now then go, and I, even I, will be your mouth, and teach you what you are to say.'"

4. "But [Moses] said, "Please, Lord, now send the message by whomever You will" (i.e. anyone but not me).
God gets angry at this point and gives him Aaron to speak for Moses.

I don't have a burning fire in front of me, with the voice of God coming out of it. I do have a soul crying out for more. More with God, more with myself, more with my family. I want to be with others, not just around them. So I ask that God would speak on my behalf and that I might listen.