New Mind

I have been told that God commands us to Be Joyful. Maybe it is referring to "Be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances," verse? The idea that takes me back to middle school where someone talked about the hymn, "It is well with my soul." The author wrote from a boat just after hearing that his family had died. I imagine him on his knees weeping onto the words.

I want to sit here and complain today! I feel off. I have legitimate reasons that can get your empathy. Things like, I sat for two hours at the apple store attempting to restore photos that were permanently deleted. I went to Ann Arbor Public Schools Administrative Offices to hear that there are no openings in any schools and there will be no second round of "In District Transfers Requests." There was no empathy for my missing the first round, or my son's having no school to go to next year. I have been out of coffee for three days and sitting in Roos, the coffee is so bitter. I am Jonah with a dead plant lying next to me.

In spite of my "Yes Fast," I am too busy with non- essentials and the pile up of laundry, dirty fuzzes, and empty fridge to consider my heart. I started driving to therapy this morning to think about getting on a new path, only to realize I don't have that today. I wonder how I ever said yes to anything or manage as an adult.

Our Small Group is in our second year on the same Book of the Bible, Mark. This week was Mark 8 and the pattern of the chapter is a BIG miracle of feeding people, a group rejecting Jesus, the healing of a single man's eyes and a conversation/teaching with his disciples. There is something profound in this rendering of Christ. A power that is beyond me. A sense of looking at my own heart and how I engage, and an ultimate hope that I will surrender and beg and be opened to his life and work in me.

I sat in the parking lot a few times this morning wishing I looked like a high powered attorney with suit and make-up and a fierce presence that would command people to do my bidding. Then I prayed. I prayed for David's education, then his life's journey and that he would follow after Christ as he stands up to kids saying "bad word, bad word, bad word," [just like that, without getting specific on any one] and the word "poop, poop, poop." It makes me wonder why I don't spend longer asking God to engage his heart. At this point I need prayer to know God and experience being known by him to the point that the little things like photos and Kindergartens are not millstones around my neck. God help me to know you.