Seems like the cool temperature in August are pushing me to an early reflection on the next season. The season of delivering a new baby into our family, to the learning year, to a calling outside of basic existence. I drove to Songbird cafe, collected my latte and day old muffin and then reached for me phone. Missing. Its been left behind to ring at the house when the kids and babysitter try to reach me, or my husband or the contractor, or my dad in the ER or my friend who i'm to visit with this afternoon at a still TBD location. And yet, I'm here and have paid in coffee money for a right to sit in a chair and write this blog.
I begin again somehow, as I force myself not to panic or jump up and run home. I seem to have to remember who I am. In the bigger picture I have to wonder at what I have already accomplished in my almost 40 years that makes this one hour my own. I have tools inside my skull that could help me if I only did some reflection.
My first tool is shutting out my phone stress. I must counter the chaos, crazy making acquaintances, dysfunctional habits, co-depenent defaults, email requests for help from my neighbors, my dream of being a different person, etc. What I long for today is awareness of myself, of my relationships that are open to raising understanding and my desire to consider better questions. I want to choose where my hope comes from, consider God mattering in my life, and what motivates me to love well. I consider my thousands of hrs in therapy, my art group addictions, my love for buying self-help books, Gretchen Rubin's invention of a year or Michael Gelb's, How to Think Like Leonardo or Julia Cameron's, Artist Way, or organizers that promise simple ways to operate. I idolize the people who are tackling the world through successes in art, congruently holding to their truths and drawing others into the power of belief.
How can I be someone else, but also me. How can I be satisfied and still me? My answer is begin again. Attempt, like an essayist to fill a well with many ideas, cull through and wonder at their potential and live in the balance of trying them out. I want to try out what I have already tried out, yet one more time.
So some possible goals, because I struggle with commitment:
-Wake at 6 AM, walk 40 min, write 30 min.
-Pray from Book of Common Worship 5 minutes in the morning and at night
-Create rhythms for the week - groceries, same 5 foods, laundry day and kids activities fun and stick with them
-Say no to almost everything else for today.
Do these have any substance? Is there a place for play and fun within the work here. I think this is where an hour of artist date or time alone is also key. It begins today and it happens first.
Can I stop here or pretend that I can suddenly finish a story, read Bleak House and take on 10 new committees in my neighborhood. The prayer is simplicity. Letting go of habit and urgency and doing what is next for today, which is currently being alone with myself. Available to God. Free to laugh or cry, work or play. Lord, may I listen inward!
