Mom Label = I am Uninteresting

Something I have run into a lot lately is the fact that the minute I receive the mom label, without the “legit” job tacked on the end, people tend to move on and dismiss me. This weekend I was at a party, where everyone had funky hair and quirky personalities, traveling to Detriot for NPR related shows and contributing to society in seemingly important ways. The minute I walked in, I felt like an outsider and throughout the entire night I basically sat in a corner while everyone had lively discussions. In introductions I was almost invisible. I felt so strange watching myself be outside and wondered why. No, I am not an important doctor or lawyer or professor that everyone else seems to be.

I get the mom stigma, because I was once there. I remember being a teenager and commenting to a leader at a retreat that staying at home would waste your mind and education, because we were made for bigger work. With her five year old running about, she responded that all the education and work was for her daughter and that that is the most important job there is.

I can’t say I know the answer, because I struggle for legitimacy and a place where I can feel competent. For me, mothering is ridden with daily guilt and fear and regret!  To be with my kids playing legos and making faces is fun in chunks but wearying over several hours. On the flip side, I feel terrible leaving them to do “my other work.” If I could take it seriously, it would be writing, reflecting, and making decisions about what I want for today. My prayer about this conflict is that God would manage everyone else so that I could go back to just sitting and listening.

Help

  In order to invest in "my other work" of writing, I need to have childcare for my boys. One (I) could question whether this is legitimate, knowing that it might never generate a penny or directly help anyone else. The idea of help is tricky. There are days when I resent my kids for my lack of time and my spouse for judging me as an inconsistent housekeeper. The clothes are always piling up, the floors never clean and I can’t even remember the last time I cleaned the bathrooms. I have thought about hiring a cleaner, but feel so badly at failing and at the thought of becoming one of those people who has others do everything so I can be lazy. I guess any “me time” feels like laziness.

            “Me time” also requires funding, so not only am I not producing, but I am sucking resources from others. I can easily spend $5 a day on coffee, but struggle with using that money to have someone watch my kids for 3 hours.

My parents had an interesting influence on my sense of time and money. One Saturday morning when I was around ten, I remember asking my dad to help me make a wooden pencil holder. He told me that he made $50 and hour and that it would not be worth his time. He does not remember saying this and he did build me a pencil holder, but I can remember feeling like I was not worth his time. Conversely, my mother spent a great deal of time on her own pursuits, knitting, cooking, reading and listening to the radio. Yes, she simultaneously mothered seven kids, but she did not apologize for her loves, nor did she give them up to “play games” with us. Was she a bad mother for this? I did resent being picked up hours after my baseball games were finished, but overall, she was pretty amazing at showing up for herself and me. We could find and engage with her anytime and I would sit and listen with her, so that her world was our world.

            The final case for “me time” is as follows: Time alone gives me permission to take writing seriously, and take my life seriously. I feel human and can tackle my fears. I am free and present in engaging with others, especially my kids. It is essential and I have to afford it. I am not a bad mother for wanting 6 hours to myself a week, as my goal is to be an available person, for others and myself. I was working a job one day a week and making pennies without apology, so why can’t I hire myself to focus on creating? Additionally, I am in a journal writing class, where I am required to write. So if I cannot stomach doing it for myself, I have the external motivation from my professor and permission to write through journaling and story telling.

           It is easy to want to end it all with the words, “I grow weary,” but it is only true if I let myself live soley in my mothering space and not in a creative world where I am a human being, created by God to love and be loved.

Affirmations

I have struggled to know what matters to me amid the many voices I encounter, I am fighting for my time, and ultimately, my voice. I am the youngest of seven kids, compliant by nature and forever seeking positive attention from others as validation for who I am. I received good support in my working careers to validate my “business” self-worth, though my motivation was often external. I tend to want to do the work of others, to help, to solve problems in order to receive their praise.  In being a “home-maker,” “stay at home mom” or whatever seemingly derogatory term that is pinned to me, I am my own boss and my own evaluator. There is no one observing my performance and writing my review, and thus I forever wonder how I am doing.                 

I am trending towards a Generation X’er on this subject. Somehow I want people to say, good job for getting up this morning, for making breakfast, and the billion little things that I should not need to be complimented for, but somehow I long to be praise about. When complaining about receiving few “hoorays,” my friend asked me what I wanted credit for. This got me thinking that I want cudos for the tiny things I do, which sounds egocentric, but feels important in helping me appreciate my current career. So I am making a list of good jobs.

I want to recognize for myself for:

1. Changing diapers, lots and lots of them.

2. Feeding my kids every few hours.

3. Writing a novel and blog (something I cannot live without).

4. Opening my home to my neighbors several times a day.

5.  Being available and showing up for friends.

6. Bathing my kids (which takes a lot of energy!).

7. Endlessly wanting them to be successful!

7. Waking up by the alarm of little cries calling for me.

8. Staring and/or Participating in billions of clubs – freezer meals, 2 book groups, writing group, women’s group, journal class, Bridge club, Animae club and Artist group.             

Of course the opposite list of failures would be much longer and might start with failing to show up for God and my husband. I know that I need to work on being more like Mary, by just sitting at Jesus’s feet, rather than playing the crazy worker with no space for what matters. It is exhausting to try and be legitimate for others, to be perceived as a good mom, and to look competent when frankly, it will never be enough to satisfy the perceived critics that surround me. Kids want more, friends come and go, you can’t do everything your spouses way and ultimately I can’t and don’t make others happy.            

Working on Empty

I remember sitting in a group therapy situation, where the leaders told us about the notion base levels and heightened reactivity. In a base level of operating, you are calm and relaxed. When you become angry or respond to intense situations, your emotions become elevated to address it. Then when the circumstance dissipates, you move back to that base level of operating, if and only if you can really mentally release and get back there. (things like meditation and running are supposed to help). If you don't get back there, then every situation that arrises takes you more and more into the reactionary zones that can border on explosive, if not addressed.

I wonder if lack of sleep and lack of time and frustration with crying babies has taken me towards the explosive zone. I find that everything is a BIG deal. I can't sit and focus. I could tell myself what would help, like time away from my children, a run, a nap, a pen and notebook, but I am unable to either get myself there, or unable to allow myself to stay there.

At this minute, I am writing this post, which feels huge. Here is my plan to address. I am going to look myself in the mirror tonight and commit to finding someone to watch both my kids for a total of six hours each week (not including my class time). I am also going to start sleep training my son (whatever that means). It sounds huge, but even if it only ends up with a bit more sleep and a few hours of work/alone time, I will be closer to sanity!