My First Race

I am in the strange emotions today, claiming my identity as competitive female runner. I want to run faster then my peers, to prove my worth in speed. I am approaching my first 5K race March 10th and anxious about the outcome. I will either fail to break 20 minutes and feel disappointed or break 19 and create a new bar to live under.

Yesterday I did my second week of speed workout alone, while my core group was joined by a new girl, who creamed them. I haven't had to deal with this since my team racing days and wonder at my jealousy. Will I now have to fight for a position, or can I appreciate her talent and work off her?

There is a sense of how fully committed and engaged I must be to manage. I can't let myself off the hook and still compete. What I must do today is 1) Accept that each run is just a run and if I stop half way through, nothing will happen and I can run again tomorrow, 2) Remain positive the entire time. No matter how much I might think I hate heat or hills or faster racers, I have to chant, I love hills, I love the people ahead and behind me, I can do this. For me it is willing my legs to turn over at every step and letting my body be in the moment.

In the middle of a long hill

In the last two weeks of long runs, I have felt like I can finally push the hills and sprint the finish, even going the extra 2 miles beyond the group when someone needs a companion for their marathon training. In both runs, two different runners who usually lead the pack have had to drop back or out, due to physical issues (symptoms like GI, lack of sleep, etc.). One of the others running made the comment, "I hope he is ok, this must be so hard for him to be behind." I responded with, "No, he has been running for over 20 years so he knows it is just a bad day and that next week, he will be back in front pulling us all."

For my first two months of training, I was in the back, wondering how the faster runners would perceive me as I huffed up hills and fought to keep then in sight. I shared my times, but could not come close to proving my speed. I fought to say internally, I have nothing to prove and this is all ok. I have been running for 25 years and it feels easier and more hopeful to tie my shoes and hit the road then to write or parent or plan my husband's birthday celebration (he is turning 35 tomorrow).

My hard thing for today is surviving a full week of sick kids, with a recent exposure to a new stomach illness (no symptoms yet, so pray!), all just before we are scheduled to travel to Florida. My 19 month old is hitting and crying and often inconsolable, and I feel it must be my fault, that I am not doing what I should. My 4 year old plays alone a great deal, because I put him off and look for any physical task like dishes or laundry to avoid being a fighting super heros. It is like I am the older sister being forced to play with my kid brother. I know that there is a balance in it all, that I love being with my kids, and that I put too much on myself, which makes me feel dark, especially as we are stuck at home.

So yesterday I did a long pool run and took the printed verses I received at my mom's group to memorize. This week it was Psalm 103. It is all about God's forgiveness and love if we fear him. That his righteousness even extends to our children. It is an amazing thing to know that he does not repay us for what we have done or remain angry forever and that his love is as big as the distance from earth to heaven. It mentions several times my role is to fear him. This seems to make my actions and inactions a little less critical, knowing the Lord is my father and he loves in spite of me. Today I may have to slow down and walk the hills or call for a cab on my run, but tomorrow I will step out again, and chances are, the hills will feel a little more manageable.

"Do not despise the day of small things."

I am wondering today about pain and the choices I make in support of personal comforts.

This lady, Druckerman wrote a book, Bringing up Bebe, about how the French raise children, accomplishing balanced adult lives and creating the boundaries for their children can become independent. In her view, the authority is clear, there is a rhythm for eating, sleeping and playing and that it is a win win for parent and child.

I wonder what people take out of this book? Is it a desire for kids to be quiet at meals, a freedom from tantrums, children who go to bed on demand or a better chance to take care of themselves? It all sounds really nice, honestly.

Am I selfish for wanting adult conversations, getting tired of playing super heros and wishing I did not have to entertain? Does it mean I don’t love my kids? I might prefer not to hear kids at meals, not carry bags of food, or alternatively, I might actually enjoy legos and Candyland once in a while.  

I think about how I self –select all my radio shows via podcasts. I avoid politics, would rather not waste an hour on science Friday, but say yes to Meryl Streep on Fresh Air and American stories and to Culturetopia.

I continue to struggle with the idea of being happy vs trying to live up to my friend’s expectations, because life is supposed to be hard. I wonder at my joy in memorizing scripture, talking with my 19 month old in words that he understands and repeats back, about how much my four year old loves hearing the story of Adam and Eve and them being naked and how I manage to fit in daily runs. I am running hard and getting my miles into the forties, getting hard workouts in, that I think will kill me until I am finished and feeling higher than life.

I guess I have not worked out the perfect French balance and so I will go with what my pastor said this morning in referencing Zechariah 4:10, “Do not despise the day of small things.” I believe my days are made of bits and pieces and we get the chance to see God in them if we just look up. 

Elixer of Change

I am wondering today about the habits that allow us to be BIGGER then our minds imagine. The simplest example I can think of is training for a marathon with a group. This is a journey I have embarked on many times, to get to a place where I am faster then I can imagine. Today I registered for the Chicago marathon with a goal time of breaking 3 hours, because I will never run that fast unless I decide to and tell you about it.

The irony is that I can barely sustain the under 7 minute pace for one mile, and wonder how I get to that speed over 26. I am being supported by the Ann Arbor RunningFit store, which also makes me nervous, as I am uncertain about how fast I can really go, six years after my last Chicago race.

As I ponder change, physical and mental, I can't help but think of my husbands work. He is focused on how to support sustained weight loss and feels that those who are most successful seem to have a switch flipped where they all of the sudden realize what they need to do and then go out and do it. The new lifestyle becomes a part of their routine and they own the changes.

I wonder about this ability to shift habits as I contemplate things beyond health and running. The areas I am most challenged in are relationships and faith. I don't prioritize these connections, even though I believe they are important. I fear that interactions mean I will have to do something or agree to something that I don't want to. It might mean not running, or not writing or playing with my kids for the tenth hour in the day. I feel this self preservation button kicking in, and become consumed by the idea that everyone else is infringing and I must shut down, clench my fists to hold onto my sanity, my identity, my,  my,  my. . .

So I want it all. To run easier. To talk about books and people and internal conflicts that are real. I don't want the guilt of choosing my time, but the raw moments while on a run with a friend. I want stories where we see God through each other. I want to connect with you, me and God on the ground, through doubt and hope and forgiveness. Is this possible?