Wednesday, April 28, 2010

How to Get out of a Funk!

The last few days have been difficult, with trying to get my son to want to use the potty and figuring out how to structure our days, without any set commitments. To clarify this entry, much of the time he is brilliant and fun and I love my time with him. There are some moments, however, where he has appeared to be dissatisfied (or maybe that is me) and insistent that I do what he wants me to do. He will say, "mommy, sit here," "mommy don't touch trains," "no singing," "I do it self," or my favorite, "no mommy" without any detail as to what he does not want. He has strong and dramatic expression of his likes and dislikes and I feel helpless in knowing how to respond. Thus I am pulled into guilt, shame, frustration, panic and a plethora of other emotions that take me on a roller coasters ride inside my head. So I want to figure out how to be more consistently me, decisive in my responses and overall level headed (if this is even possibly).

Dr. Jacob's blog includes a link to Sydney Smith's list of ideas for helping people with melancholy.
http://text-patterns.thenewatlantis.com/2010/04/wisdom-of-sydney-smith.html. In my efforts to address my own issues head-on, here is my attempt at a list:

1. Shower, dress-up, put on make-up, etc.
2. Go out for breakfast!
2. Get outside to walk, either in the woods or in town.
3. Read Gerard Manley Hopkins poem, "Glory Be to God for Dappled Things"
4. Go on a solo/artist date - including a few hours of journaling, reading or working on anything.
5. Drink tea and and read a magazine not typically on your coffee table.
6. Write/create anything and think about how much I have to contribute to others/society.
7. Buy stuff I think might change me, like accessories with personality, craft books, or novels that promise to get me out of my head and into someone else's problems.
8. Read blogs with soul.
9. I am considering actually reading self-help books because there are studies to show they work better than therapy, which makes me curious.  I have a list of them in my house that I might consider: The Drama of the Gifted Child, Addicted to Unhappiness, Childhood Roots to Adult Happiness, Velvet Elvis, and The Spirituality of Imperfection. It is funny how I buy these books out of a deep urgency for change and then barely scratch the first page, thinking they are not worth my time. Maybe it is because they promise so much, that I am certain they will not live up to their titles.

Somehow my list speaks to me about replenishing my connection with myself in the midst of other's demands. If you have any thoughts for how you survive moments of indecision, lack of motivation or two year old tantrums, please add them to this discussion.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Becoming Home

I long to have time, yet when I sit alone to write, I feel like I am frantic about everything but myself. I am defined by cleaning, book clubs, food, slumber and an unending task list I created at midnight. I put things like writing, reading, looking for inspiration on the non-required and thus "unimportant" list. My creative self feels like an old rusty box , without a seam. Is my mind what is locked up and if so, where is the opening?

This month or maybe just this moment I am struck by my parrot-like need to be accepted. This runs to the point where someone opens their mouth and I attempt to look more attentive and fear that I am not looking most attentive. I am deaf to what they might actually be saying and how I might actually respond. Exhausting, right? (see I am still looking for your feedback here). What will you say next, what will I say, then what will you think of what I say, runs like a rats wheel in my head. I long to "borrow Frost's lines here and scream that what I want "Is not my love back in copy speech/But counter-love, original response." I want to hear you and say something, as a person with opinions and ideas and dreams!

My best friend recently expressed this conflict well, by discribing oneself walking down the street and seeing someone come towards you who you know. All of the sudden you are thrown from your world to the moment of thinking, what should I say, should I talk or ignore them, because the messiness and imprefection of spontaniously trying to be someone is wearisome.

So how does one step out of other's shadows and show up as themselves to anyone walking past? My son on Friday said, "Lets go to the pool, that's a good idea," all in one breath. I love his simple confidence in himself! Despite how we try to coorce him, he rules his world. My husband believes I give too many explanations and that I should just decide and declare my conclusion. My therapist asked me to write "If your life could be about anything, what would I have it be about." My patent answer is "Creating spaces where people can authentically interact."

Is that possible here on this blog? Probobly not, because I am the only one speaking, however, I am going to open up pages for you to comment about various topics, such as "You Life Work," "Unanswered Questions," "Brilliant Ideas," "A fear," "Something no one knows," "A regret," "A great moment," etc.

Maybe for now it would be easier to say that my life work is in "Looking for places where I and others can be themselves." Do such places exist, when we are not alone? I recently wrote a short story called, "The Spanking" and read it to a group with great trepidation, fearing they would pitty me. The opposite happened, as everyone commented that I expressed their childhood fears and experiences in my work. It shocked me that my story acted as a connector, rather than a means of further isolating myself. Take a read and see how it hits you. (See Below.)

In reading the opening of Emerson's "Self-Reliance," Emerson says that speaking your mind is critical to life, and without it you will forever watch others steal your voice and claim it as their own. So here I blog, to have a voice. I don't know how I feel about readers, because they can act as critics and rejectors, but I am hoping to find an authentic space to hear myself above the noise, and I hope others will find that as well.

My goal in blogging is to explore the world through fresh eyes and "help-myself" (for now) to grow past fear and judgement to be more whole. I am going to put forth goals and challenges in an effort to administer therapy and cure myself once and for all from everything from insecurity, to muteness, to self-sabatage. I want to move forward in becoming myself and living towards what I love.