The last few days have been difficult, with trying to get my son to want to use the potty and figuring out how to structure our days, without any set commitments. To clarify this entry, much of the time he is brilliant and fun and I love my time with him. There are some moments, however, where he has appeared to be dissatisfied (or maybe that is me) and insistent that I do what he wants me to do. He will say, "mommy, sit here," "mommy don't touch trains," "no singing," "I do it self," or my favorite, "no mommy" without any detail as to what he does not want. He has strong and dramatic expression of his likes and dislikes and I feel helpless in knowing how to respond. Thus I am pulled into guilt, shame, frustration, panic and a plethora of other emotions that take me on a roller coasters ride inside my head. So I want to figure out how to be more consistently me, decisive in my responses and overall level headed (if this is even possibly).
Dr. Jacob's blog includes a link to Sydney Smith's list of ideas for helping people with melancholy.
http://text-patterns.thenewatlantis.com/2010/04/wisdom-of-sydney-smith.html. In my efforts to address my own issues head-on, here is my attempt at a list:
1. Shower, dress-up, put on make-up, etc.
2. Go out for breakfast!
2. Get outside to walk, either in the woods or in town.
3. Read Gerard Manley Hopkins poem, "Glory Be to God for Dappled Things"
4. Go on a solo/artist date - including a few hours of journaling, reading or working on anything.
5. Drink tea and and read a magazine not typically on your coffee table.
6. Write/create anything and think about how much I have to contribute to others/society.
7. Buy stuff I think might change me, like accessories with personality, craft books, or novels that promise to get me out of my head and into someone else's problems.
8. Read blogs with soul.
9. I am considering actually reading self-help books because there are studies to show they work better than therapy, which makes me curious. I have a list of them in my house that I might consider: The Drama of the Gifted Child, Addicted to Unhappiness, Childhood Roots to Adult Happiness, Velvet Elvis, and The Spirituality of Imperfection. It is funny how I buy these books out of a deep urgency for change and then barely scratch the first page, thinking they are not worth my time. Maybe it is because they promise so much, that I am certain they will not live up to their titles.
Somehow my list speaks to me about replenishing my connection with myself in the midst of other's demands. If you have any thoughts for how you survive moments of indecision, lack of motivation or two year old tantrums, please add them to this discussion.
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