I just love this verse from Job 10: "You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away. And your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning. And you will have confidence, because there is hope; you will be protected and take rest in safety."
Right now misery is all about a crying baby and very little sleep and the promise is that it will be gone tomorrow, as I know it will. I have no memory of the early struggles we had with David, but I am told they were just as challenging.
In a recent sermon I heard, our talked about how life is not about being happy. The pastor said that if it were, we would all be disappointed most of the time, in marriage, friends, our success, etc. I believe this is true and hope to live fully, without the expectation of everyone and everything turning into a fairy tale, which would be so boring anyway.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Parenting vs. Choosing Not to Have Kids
So, with a new son in our lives, I have to address the question of why people, or why I chose to have kids. This is also a response to some close friends who feel the idea of kids is appealing, but who might decide the work of child rearing is not for them, which equates to no kids. There is a sense that the rift between parenting and coupling w/o kids is so vast, that relating as adults across the kid decision becomes difficult. I feel defensive as I wonder about why there might be a rift, once you take a side. I also wonder about how people on either side of this argument seem to need to convince people that their choice is the better one. Even in the latest Sex in the City movie, Carrie and Big have to deal with another couple who thinks they must be empty for not deciding to be parents. Funnily, their lives seem a little boring or lost, which might imply they are, if it were not for Charlotte's major frustrations in mothering (i.e. her kids cry and scream a lot and she hides from them in the pantry). Is there more to this equation?
So many older woman I meet, tell me that I should enjoy my kids because they grow so fast. Do they remember how much work babies are? How you lose your identity, style, sense of time, etc. It is an immense amount of unidentifiable work being at home, following my kids everywhere, missing out on high society or "adult fun." I felt the most angst during David's sixth month through his second year. Somehow at two, a switch turned and realized how much I enjoyed waking up to possibilities, not have routine and his brilliant language and engagement with the world and me. I have doubts about my skill as a mom, but just appreciating his mind is blissful. I love his waking and not getting up, but calling my name, his super energy which he says comes from bouncing, and his passion. When he turns my face to look into his eyes and says something like, "that makes mommy sad," or "who put that [scary dream] in my head." He is an amazing kids and I just love him.
The baby is a baby. Loved for his smallness, his helplessness, my role in supporting his every need, etc. I look in his eyes and try to connect because that is what I am supposed to do, but it is mostly physical work and exhaustion. But I choose kids. I always knew I wanted them. For 9 years of marriage, I happily lived without them, but at this point I join all the annoying people who take a side and have to say why everyone should carefully consider kids.
Yes, there are sleepless nights for several months and complete loss of personal time and space (not to mention the pressure of actually nurturing them to greatness), but on the other side is a truthful awareness of my humanity, and a stretching in every way, all leading me to become a better person. For me it is loving beyond believing and of having a long term family. David changes my experience of life, holidays, eating, mornings, playing and all is exuberant and full of drama. He makes me realize how complex we are in developing and how much we are capable of connecting.
This lead me to personally proclaim that I would not trade David or Isaac for my independence.
So many older woman I meet, tell me that I should enjoy my kids because they grow so fast. Do they remember how much work babies are? How you lose your identity, style, sense of time, etc. It is an immense amount of unidentifiable work being at home, following my kids everywhere, missing out on high society or "adult fun." I felt the most angst during David's sixth month through his second year. Somehow at two, a switch turned and realized how much I enjoyed waking up to possibilities, not have routine and his brilliant language and engagement with the world and me. I have doubts about my skill as a mom, but just appreciating his mind is blissful. I love his waking and not getting up, but calling my name, his super energy which he says comes from bouncing, and his passion. When he turns my face to look into his eyes and says something like, "that makes mommy sad," or "who put that [scary dream] in my head." He is an amazing kids and I just love him.
The baby is a baby. Loved for his smallness, his helplessness, my role in supporting his every need, etc. I look in his eyes and try to connect because that is what I am supposed to do, but it is mostly physical work and exhaustion. But I choose kids. I always knew I wanted them. For 9 years of marriage, I happily lived without them, but at this point I join all the annoying people who take a side and have to say why everyone should carefully consider kids.
Yes, there are sleepless nights for several months and complete loss of personal time and space (not to mention the pressure of actually nurturing them to greatness), but on the other side is a truthful awareness of my humanity, and a stretching in every way, all leading me to become a better person. For me it is loving beyond believing and of having a long term family. David changes my experience of life, holidays, eating, mornings, playing and all is exuberant and full of drama. He makes me realize how complex we are in developing and how much we are capable of connecting.
This lead me to personally proclaim that I would not trade David or Isaac for my independence.
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