Christ-mas Where Art Thou

I sat in therapy this morning listing my excuses for being chaotic. I am so good at having really great stuff to fill a black hole, called saving Christmas. I think this comes from my childhood experiences of Fear and Neglect. [I have to qualify this diagnosis with the word "unintentional," because I love my parents so much and just like there parents for them, they sacrificed so much and did the best they could with what they had!]

I feel an urge to buy everyone many great stocking stuffers, ones that will make them feel loved and known. This results in me seeing people and feeling overwhelmed with my task of taking on their happiness and fearing I can't do it. I also struggle to commit to any purchase, so  I wait and feel more fear at messing up and at 4PM on Christmas eve will go nuts to try and quell all of this in crazy spending at Whole Foods and REI and Cost Plus. 

This takes me to my real question, What would make Christ be enough on it's own? I've tried to tell people I wanted nothing, but the thought of getting nothing felt horrible too. My sister and I have both had good cries at feeling mis-read when we did not get things we wanted and then feeling horrible for being sad about it. This year I even purchased gifts for myself to ensure I had a back-up in case what I am given isn't enough. I can't imagine not giving toys to my kids, but could they be ok without? If I weren't so afraid, could truly accepting a God leaving a paradise to take on complete helpless infancy to personally love me, be enough? I pray that some day it will! 

This Season Feels Mixed-Up

In this cold grey December, my family collected three consecutive illnesses, from 103 degree fevers to all out stomach issues to terrible head colds. The bugs hit every one of us in our turn, and took us out for over two weeks. Simultaneously our heat turned off for three days at a time only to return as someone knocked at the door to diagnose it, then when they left with our checks, to have it turn off again.

I kept trying to keep everyone safe and then pretended to be calm as I sat on the couch stroking heads, my mind racing on how to save these ones from their pale dizziness. At some point I gave up trying to order days or cook or live out a normal existence, unable to get a free moment to think or call a friend.

Diane Telion from Knox gave a talk at an Advent Tea about weakness due to her chemo treatments and how she was forced to let others prepare for Christmas. I sit in wonder too as I imagine the weakness in being a teenage girl [Mary] going on a long camping trip while pregnant and newly married.  She had no control or place to hide, forced into a messy delivery in a dirty cave among unknown animals. She had no people to know her or to call out to for explanations of the pain, of the pressure to push, what to do with torn insides? Then she has to nurse a baby, clean it without a laundry machine or even running water and keep the baby boy alive. [We have not record of his weight and length or the amount of time it took to push him out]

That is the moment I ponder as I am forced to sit on a coach. Maybe this is the reality God is calling us to. The one that means being helpless and unprepared and forced to settle on the dirt floor to wonder at who he is. To experience God sitting with us in our mess, with sweat beads on our foreheads and patting our back as we heave. 

As color return to my boys and husbands cheeks, they dress and eating plain noodles to sustain them for today’s adventures, and I am thankful that I don’t have to be everything. On this day, I know a God who sees and holds and settles in to love me better and for the longer haul.