Playing the Victim

The past week has been an emotional one, with exhaustion and heat and a baby inside me that is weighing on my body and soul. I have cried a lot and blamed everyone I can think of for not being more supportive.

In saying it is everyone else's fault, I know that I give up my power and play the role of victim. From some things I recently read about "conscious living," the victim roll is an comfortable place to sit, when you want to drift along and do nothing. There is a sense that you give yourself over to others and let go of choices. It is hard for me to know how to shift back into my own sense of self! I question my role in staying at home with kids, being dependent on others financially and forever having to justify my work and my time. Did I do anything today, because I know at least one person who would say, no. Did I cook, clean, nurture my son, manage everything and if I did something outside of that role, was that selfish. I guess the bottom line is what is my value? Ouch, this one makes me cry, because I don't feel very valued in the eyes of others, which I suppose means I don't value myself much right now.

In my attempt to gain my power back, I have made some demands of others. I am lousy at it, in that I come across as ungrateful and controlling. I think this week I need to be clear in saying what I want. I want to have this baby. I want to write. I want to have Internet access at all times. I want sympathy for being 38 weeks pregnant. I want to let go of household chores. I want to let people's opinions be theirs and not mine. I want to pamper myself, even if I can't think of how. I want to take the entire day off on Monday. This list all feels selfish, but I am not going to delete it.  Deep breath!

Being in My Own World

I spent a few days in Chicago with David this past week. It was a strange adventure for us, with me being 8 months pregnant, David being a little more concerned about his surroundings, and the realization that I am a real foreigner to those parts. No one hailed me as a native, even though I spent almost 10 years in the area.

I saw running friends and working friends and realized that I do not miss the intensity of their lives. The deadlines and stresses and big goals were things that used to consume me, but now sound commical. Not to say that I will not work or run again, as I hope to do both, but those areas do not define me and I do not feel less of a person without them.

I really enjoy being at home every day. Wow, I really can't believe I could say that, but it is true. I love writing, artist collaboratives, watching shows, my neighbors and my family. I don't know if anyone can relate to that, because it is not the thing I am dialoguing with anyone about, but I feel good just saying it!