Running Scared

I have not blogged much in the last month, because I did not want to make my situation feel too real. In the last two weeks. I have been running consistently and trying to work on my speed, so it feels ok to talk about my leg now. The second half of April and much of May were about testing and limping and wondering if I might have cracked my hip or pelvis. The bone throbbed with discomfort, the lower back, the upper hip, the glut and groin and everything around them felt antsy and awkward, like they were out of joint. Telling people I was injured in the rear was a hoot. My first visit to the PT, the guy said, "The last thing I will do is touch the spot." I then said, "I know it is so embarrassing to be injured there," thinking he meant he would not touch by butt, but he meant, that was the last part of his exam. 

I had to keep wondering if the four months of hard training were slipping away, if I could race the Dexter Ann Arbor half marathon, let alone train for Chicago. The Running Institute guys studied my form and suggested that I strengthen my hips, hit the ground on my mid foot (less noisily) and not move my shoulders so much. With 25+ years of running under my belt, change is tricky. When I go to see them next, they might be upset that I went from zero miles to 50 mile weeks. 

I am lagging in speed, watching my teammate spring far ahead of me. I can't decide if it is mental or physical disadvantage. Is he faster for his three weeks of continuous hills and mile repeats? My coach reprimanded me for doing a tempo run yesterday and then being tired for speed work on the track this morning. I might have given up during the second 800, but that is now the past. I want to try for 7 minute pace on Sunday, and my teammate is considering 7:05 pace. One of my challenges is that in my enthusiasm or fear, I tell others they look great and to go for it, while simultaneously slowing down and watching them disappear before my eyes. I want to relax and enjoy the experience, the people and the route, while feeling good, which is not easy when pared with trying to run fast. So I guess the enjoyment should come first and the positive attitude that I am strong and am running for a different kind of reward.  I need to keep going and take my runs for what they are, a chance to see God, feel his strengths and my weakness and to enjoy the beauty of the shadows.