Jumping Off

I have had the sobering realization this week that I am a jumper. I love new groups, new adventure, new hair colors, trying to convince people that I am cool and thinking I am easing others anxiety by being interested and talking with them. Early in the process of two new kids schools I told my husband, "I am finally feeling like myself," in a rhythm and enjoying things.

The hard  moment came when I sat with my therapist and explained my excitement and somehow we landed in a tough hole, because of the pattern presented. I love getting to please new people, offer to be little miss helpful and appear friendly to avoid the longer term work in relationships that seem less glamourous or easy. I hate to admit it, but I am a bailer, because I can't live up to the self I presented to yesterday's acquaintances. I can convince myself of all the reasons being friendly is good and how the people I already know don't need me or are too much effort or might be a little narcissistic, but the reality is I can't keep up appearances with them. I can't help and save and be likable all the time and they may even see me as flakey, since I haven't called them back.

It really made me sad and scared as I walked out of my identity as a person"good to know," because now I am caught. If I go forward in that vision, it will lead to longer term relationships that will get messy or that will lapse and I will be empty with no one to look to for guidance. A robot without a working operator. So my other extreme would be to let all go, run naked through the streets yelling, "I am Sonia.  I hate you anyway."(while whispering, please don't judge me and this has nothing to do with you).

One of the challenges is jumping from a map that feels safe and habitual, being friendly and likable, to a map that doesn't exist. My best friend has a boat and she is literally going to move onto a boat and sail it away (see her posts). I am jealous. I must as the age old question, "Do I really want to change and if so, How do I do it." How can I engaging from a real place, not fun land where I am your concierge.

I am looking for my own life-wide internal revolution. All i can think is that I need a spiky ear piercing or mohawk. Stepping away from my set role is scary, but somehow the crowd of new faces is not the answer I used to think it was. I am struck by the patience and longevity I have with a man, two boys and a church small group that rides along side me through my fear of being myself, whoever that may turn out to be. I hope I can navigate towards a new trail that takes me to beautiful alcoves, new meadows within my dwelling places and yours.

Praying Life

For the last three days, I have prayed constantly that David would be ok. I am not with him and I want to be. I tear up thinking about it. He loves school, is excited to tell me about phrases like, "Zip it, lock it,  Put it in your pocket," can't wait to find the hidden candy in his lunchbox and worries about being early enough to get into the line-up at the door.

I have the low down on the difficult kid, whom the teachers are always scolding, and who gets the red card for taking a "time-out." The second night David mentioned this kid, asked what David could do to help him. David started with, "You could send him to the principle." We have talked a lot about prayer lately and his prayers are things like, "God, make it stop raining and help Isaac to feel better. It is how I often pray, saying, "Help me get past this day or find extra money to pay for my $400 Costco bill." I worry that he will be disappointed or question God if his request aren't answered with the rain stopping (though last time he prayed that, it did stop.). I tell him, "God is not a robot, waiting for us to tell him what to do. Neither did he make us robots, forcing us to do what he would. Rather he wants us to choose relationships and loving, just like he did." As we talked further about the problem kid, he wanted to pray/ He asked God to show him in his dreams how he could be a friend to this kid.

The third morning, he woke said he hated school as we rushed to get there on time. I wondered if the whole conversation was too much for him. He ended up having a great day and saying the boy had a much better day. Then day four (today) as we walked to the car, he mentioned that a kid with an orange shirt and sun glasses punched him in his lower abdomen on the playground yesterday. I told him that it must be hard for that boy to live with hurting people, because of how badly we feel when we hurt others even on accident. I mentioned the incident to the teacher, who wanted to assure me they worked hard to ensure things like this didn't happen and that David should tell her next time.

So how do we pray? I can't help but love King David's way as I look over Psalm 30 & 31. David praises God, then cries for help, then talks about bad guys, then praises God for not getting too angry at him, asks God to go easy on him, mourns at life, looks to keep away from idols, talks about God as a shelter, a rock, a stronghold, prays not to fall into his own strength or neighbors pits and ultimately  prays to "see the glory of the Lord in the land of the living."

A few weeks back David mentioned a good place to pray was at church, saying he just prayed (as we walked in Knox's door). A different day I asked what God promises us and he said, "We get live with him in his house," or something to that affect. All I can think is that God is alive in the midst of this moment and I am so glad that I get to sit with David as we listen for him.

Packing a Lunch

Picture retrieved from www.fabanddeliciousfood.com%25
2F%253Fp%253D11004%3B500%3B375 on 9/1/2013 

As an elementary schooler I remember choking down thick bites of brown dry bread with a thin layers of peanut butter between. Each bite I would turn to look behind me, praying no one would see me gag as the food came up and then I swallowed hard to force it back down. I don't recall having any liquids to help me wash the bitter taste away. I was told I needed the protein and complained saying, "My friends get white bread, can't I just have Wonderbread?" My teachers made us line up with our crumpled bags to show we were not throwing away food, so there was no way around the event of eating.

My siblings tried to spice things up on occasion by toasting the bread, adding marshmallow fluff, putting it in the bag hot (to keep the moisture in), but any chance I could get, I would still throw the sandwiches out. I still wonder how desperate I would need to be to choose those sandwiches over an empty stomach.

Now my kids tell me they don't want to eat, they are already big, or in a last ditch effort to avoid a meal, "let's just eat later." On occasion I give in to my own frustrations around food and say, "Fine, be hungry, if that is what you want." My fear is that they are hungry, but they don't want to eat what I am serving. Brown bread, PB&J's, that I tell them have protein. I went for the cold cuts over the past few weeks and that was its own torture because by day three one said, "Why do we have to eat meat again?" What new option do I have?

This week will be my first in packing lunches, committing to foods, selecting bits to put into the three tupperware containers I bought for David. I don't even think I am allowed to pack peanut products at all. My organized friends would have hummus and veggies, yogurts and maybe homemade granola bars? Things David currently dislikes. But on Tuesday, David is going to open up his containers and see what's inside and eat it (or not) without me standing by. He might want to tell me he hates grapes or salami, but I wown't be there to handle it.

My sisters would have perfect plans, healthy options and creative preparation techniques. Maybe they can tell me what to do, but then I might never learn it for myself? I wonder when the little details will become easy, magically work out, feel natural through the repetition of doing them? The truth is that I managed ok and my boys will too, with or without high protein sandwiches or hidden whole grains. I will send my notes and prayers and trust God to provide.