I came to realize this week that I am amazing at deflecting everything, good or bad. My skill comes through an internal voice, i'll call "Deflectoman" who works as a consultant. This guy is great at hearing things and filtering them. For example if someone says, "Isn't it late to have your kids up," it responds with, "Well, I am trying to get their homework done , or I explain that I am trying to feed them or respond to some important email. (Then the voice says, "now Sonia, rush up and get them to bed, to avoid messing up more.") This voice also tells me: "Clean your garden," "this bathroom is filthy," "your roots are dark and you should dye them now!" and directs me towards avoiding the embarrassment that could come.
As I contemplated this, a friend said that "Deflectoman" is either a helpful coping tool that might just need to be turned down sometimes or not serving a function, and thus needing to be expelled. The idea of expelling something made me think of my friend Melissa's novel where there was an exorcism. I don't have much faith in Christian mysticism, but I like the idea of getting rid of this one.
I have spent a ton of time pleasing people. I anticipate criticisms and work hard to avoid negative attention which I imagine to be all attention, but am ready to live with less exterior ego and seek the light of God loving me without my doing or being or pretending anything. I no longer want to control how God sees me or ask him to come to me when I am "better," but to seek the reality of him being enough and letting him see me as the helpless flailing infant, I am.
After pondering this I ran into Isaiah 51. I keep wanting to find the one verse, but it's too hard, so here's the chapter.
1 “Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness,
Who seek the LORD:
Look to the rock from which you were hewn
And to the quarry from which you were dug.
2 “Look to Abraham your father
And to Sarah who gave birth to you in pain;
When he was but one I called him,
Then I blessed him and multiplied him.”
3 Indeed, the LORD will comfort Zion;
He will comfort all her waste places.
And her wilderness He will make like Eden,
And her desert like the garden of the LORD;
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
Thanksgiving and sound of a melody.
4 “Pay attention to Me, O My people,
And give ear to Me, O My nation;
For a law will go forth from Me,
And I will set My justice for a light of the peoples.
5 “My righteousness is near, My salvation has gone forth,
And My arms will judge the peoples;
The coastlands will wait for Me,
And for My arm they will wait expectantly.
6 “Lift up your eyes to the sky,
Then look to the earth beneath;
For the sky will vanish like smoke,
And the earth will wear out like a garment
And its inhabitants will die in like manner;
But My salvation will be forever,
And My righteousness will not wane.
7 “Listen to Me, you who know righteousness,
A people in whose heart is My law;
Do not fear the reproach of man,
Nor be dismayed at their revilings.
8 “For the moth will eat them like a garment,
And the grub will eat them like wool.
But My righteousness will be forever,
And My salvation to all generations.”
9 Awake, awake, put on strength, O arm of the LORD;
Awake as in the days of old, the generations of long ago.
Was it not You who cut Rahab in pieces,
Who pierced the dragon?
10 Was it not You who dried up the sea,
The waters of the great deep;
Who made the depths of the sea a pathway
For the redeemed to cross over?
11 So the ransomed of the LORD will return
And come with joyful shouting to Zion,
And everlasting joy will be on their heads.
They will obtain gladness and joy,
And sorrow and sighing will flee away.
12 “I, even I, am He who comforts you.
Who are you that you are afraid of man who dies
And of the son of man who is made like grass,
13 That you have forgotten the LORD your Maker,
Who stretched out the heavens
And laid the foundations of the earth,
That you fear continually all day long because of the fury of the oppressor,
As he makes ready to destroy?
But where is the fury of the oppressor?
14 “The exile will soon be set free, and will not die in the dungeon, nor will his bread be lacking. 15 “For I am the LORD your God, who stirs up the sea and its waves roar (the LORDof hosts is His name). 16 “I have put My words in your mouth and have covered you with the shadow of My hand, to establish the heavens, to found the earth, and to say to Zion, ‘You are My people.’”
17 Rouse yourself! Rouse yourself! Arise, O Jerusalem,
You who have drunk from the LORD’S hand the cup of His anger;
The chalice of reeling you have drained to the dregs.
18 There is none to guide her among all the sons she has borne,
Nor is there one to take her by the hand among all the sons she has reared.
19 These two things have befallen you;
Who will mourn for you?
The devastation and destruction, famine and sword;
How shall I comfort you?
20 Your sons have fainted,
They lie helpless at the head of every street,
Like an antelope in a net,
Full of the wrath of the LORD,
The rebuke of your God.
21 Therefore, please hear this, you afflicted,
Who are drunk, but not with wine:
22 Thus says your Lord, the LORD, even your God
Who contends for His people,
“Behold, I have taken out of your hand the cup of reeling,
The chalice of My anger;
You will never drink it again.
23 “I will put it into the hand of your tormentors,
Who have said to you, ‘Lie down that we may walk over you.’
You have even made your back like the ground
And like the street for those who walk over it.”
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