Another year has past and today is the start of my fourth attempt to write many words over the month of November. I am already feeling defeated as I consider the new chaos that 1667 words a day creates for everything else. I consider characters, my favorite hobbies, running, guitar, camping and trying to incorporate my life onto the written page. Is that possible?
Over the month of November I read the new Jeannette Walls book, Silver Star, half of When Women Were Birds, finished Dave Eggers, Hologram for the King and Zeitoun, and several essays by David Sedaris. I keep wondering what they have to offer my work, what I love about their work that I can duplicate.
One thing I love is how much these authors seem to experience moments. They see their past and present as a field of wonder to be mined and appreciated. There is wild chance involved, based on each person they encounter, each location. Their experiences are shaped by bumping into others with stories, people with whole worlds inside themselves. For me kids with teachers and classmates, a husband with emotional patients, my neighbors the day after Halloween and the yes's and no's to be said to their dinner invitations (3 + for tonight), events for the weekend and my ability to make good choices. Do I apply for a third year to MFA programs? Do I write this novel? Do I host Thanksgiving, Christmas? Go to Chicago next week, when my husband has time off from clinical duties?
I realized yesterday that Chaos might be my idol. I cling to uncertainty as an excuse for not listening to what is important to me. My therapist asked me if I pray for clarity in my own mission. I don't even know if I can. That would mean believing I had one and then working towards it. But just realizing how foreign the request is, I am beginning to believe in praying it. Trying to trust God to provide me with a mission, pursuit of work and life with open hands and belief that I am worthy and capable of living out a calling.
I pray today that my characters will move me to see what God has provided. May he reveal my identity in him and make clear how I can experience joy in living in his wake.
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