On Friday afternoon I walked the gas line path down to the river with my boys and two nieces. The 7 year old ran ahead, squatted at the edge of the next drop till I was in view before proceeding, moving effortlessly to our destination. At the river, that flowed more heavily this day then the previous 2 she scales rocks moving away, up or down. She talked of brining her dad there to swim in the summer and when I offered her a hand, said, she didn't need it.
At the start of our reaching fingers in to the cold water, I considered and tried to save my phone from the threat of the place, and in process let it slip soundlessly to the bottom. I swore and turned mean in an instant. After a few knocks of it, a quick text to say it was going to die, i set it in the sun and tried to move into the glorious space. It was sunny and 50's and I had art supplies and time. Then the 7 year old slipped and plunged chest deep into the water. "Too cold to be wet today," as yesterday when she fell in we stayed. "We have to go home." I think I lectured her on how she needed to trust me and I offered my hand to avoid this. I also think my face read anger, because inside I felt like a raging storm. She headed up the stubbled hill and disappeared, reached home and I did not see her for a few hours.
When I was eight at summer camp, I did the same thing. I wanted to play on the rocks and fell in during a breakfast far from our cabin and was warned not to get wet, just before soaking myself in the lake. I had to leave my group and find my own way back and I may have had to rake rocks on the beach during our free hour.
Today I prepared to fill in the most simple application for David's school, to try to get him into the best public school in the district, only to find that I am 11 days too late. I had the wrong date. I messed the whole thing up and they don't make exceptions. I am out. David is out. This is the second year I missed the deadline, so my track record is not looking promising. I am realizing that the fantasy of booking a campground within the deadline, a phone recovering from submersion, a missed deadline to a good school are not things that are going to magically work out. People don't make exceptions. On top of it all my best friend has tried to call twice and text from Thailand and I did not have a phone. I am sitting on vacation in Florida, in a house with wifi, my smartphone always in my pocket and I can't hear it.
My sister's bible study looked at the Exodus passage where the Israelites are looking at the Red Sea ahead and the Egyptian army behind and they say this, Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness." (Ex 14:12). It is sort of how I feel and how I can relate to my niece wanting to do it alone, because going forward into the water is too difficult, into failure, into my own strength. I just can't. That is why I love what Moses says, "Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the LORD, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The LORD will fight for you, and you have only to be silent."
I'm not sure how to be silent today. It makes me feel weepy. I don't want to grab Gods hand or anyone else's for that matter, but today I am glad I have no other choice, because looking back and ahead both feel too hard, so I will try for only being silent and watching the LORD.
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