Lewis's Inner Ring

As a child, then teen and even now as a married adult, I watch other couples passionately kiss or hold hands or seem to be "in-love" and I feel envious. I want there deep togetherness.

In literature there is this sense of a characters connection and disconnection with others and inside themselves. With the release of the movie InsideOut, everyone likes to talk about kicking there sad character to the side, or labeling their internal feelings to explain themselves. To label myself, I struggle with attachment and belonging and feel I am forever trying to get inside someone else's inner circle.  I so want to belong to someone, that if I did not have my eyes on a God who is loving and good, I would buy into living under another's ego identity or would pay to be an insider in someone else's world.

This morning I read C.S. Lewis's essay, The Inner Ring and can't help but want others to read and then for us all to discuss. I firstly love that he writes about whatever is on his mind and that this topic matters to him. Very quickly he states that if your goal is being in, then it means playing a game and involves keeping others out, turning one into a scoundrel. This morning in my journal I saw myself in this light. I walk around imagining that there is this camera crew, or a neighbor, who is following me and noting all my great assets, like my thriving garden bed, my choice in reading a classic Dicken's novel, my kids and I out playing Fours Square at 8 AM, my roles in the neighborhood to help others, etc. I imagine acquaintances envying me and wanting to be in my circle. I am desperately trying to matter and be someone, even if it means I must pretend all the time.

 In my own world the circles apply to writing, to singing, to making pictures. There are groups and people I can pay to make me better so I can be someone who others want to know. If I get the right connection, follow the right method and schedule, then I can get the attention of important people. There is so much fluff in the way I operate, that I am either kicked out or run and hide after the honeymoon game of being cool and looking good passes.

So leave sit to Lewis to explain that the work is the joy and that doing what you love has nothing to do with Inside, but rather that it leads to natural connections and free expressions and the flexibility of others always being welcomed to add to the experience.

So often I walk into a space and say, I don't belong or I really want to belong so what do I have to do to get inside. A family member told me recently she did not feel comfortable around our family, because of our judgement. Another friend visited my church and felt it was too big and impersonal. Even within Co-Housing, the community I live, there are owners and renters and circles of people labeled for participation, or status. I want to talk about the game of an inner ring, because maybe I want to change.

Maybe I can just work today, living out of Lewis's work in exploring life in light of Jesus, and mulling it over in characters and circumstances and within the worlds I embody.