To be on ones own

What would it feel like to be fully engaged from within? To not be swayed by external comments, off-handed remarks, disinterested gazes from people who intimidate/or pretend at being the critic, judge or even trying to play at being unmerciful god. To live so genuinely that you do not have to pretend to be anything, because you just are. You could say what you really thought, and it would be beautiful, truthful and/or REAL (and I hope loving).

I have been told that you can just choose something and become that thing if you believe it possible of yourself. So who do I want to be and if I embrace that image, will I be transformed into something/ someone I love? I am so dahm critical of everything about myself, I can't seem to break free, fly lightly, believe in the miracles that are happening in me. We are miracles, in the fact that blood pumps, cheeks lift, air flows in and out, minds create and interpret from anything and everything we choose to see or not see.

This makes me think of how confident my Lord is. Unafraid to say what is most important to those who choose to listen. He offers forgiveness, a gift that cost him everything, he became unconditional love, and opened his house that we might be with him.

Where do I go from here? I think to my God & to my dear friends who talk about life and who commit to telling the truth, asking difficult questions, believe in me. They are personal, present, alive. I know I need to believe in myself, and I will commit to the seemingly silly excersize of conversing with my reflection about my own brilliance. I WANT TO BELIEVE!

As always it is one day at a time, one moment even. KSoo says just give yourself 15 minutes and if it is going to happen, you will not look at the clock or remember the time and the things will take off, or if it doesn't, you wown't spend more than 15 minutes waiting around.