Today I am in my later thirties. My husband was the first to congratulate me when we both woke up a 3 am for no apparent reason, beyond the hot weather. I have received cards, presents, hugs and kisses, along with the usual electronic happy returns. It is at first wonderful and then I get the pang of regret at not being a better reciprocator of well wishing. I am a bad friend around the small moments that matter, such as birthdays. Why is it so complicated for me to give and receive?
I have been confessing to a few friends that I am taking depression meds and always feel shy about it, because people act surprised, saying I thought the running made you happy or commenting that they did not know. I am not sure what they are thinking, but assume they are worried or disappointed for me. One recent opinion offered was that meds hide the real you. This is complicated as I don't want to wonder how to take the label or the defeat associated with something like prosac. I think that it has helped me get out of some negative brain talk, though this mornings post might prove otherwise. I still struggle with guilt.
My dad is a good example of change, in that he called me a few times this morning until I finally picked up and then he wished me a happy birthday and promised a visit in late April. It was nice. He is making time like he never did before.
After this many years, I can't tell if I am getting better or worse. Are my mental stocks up or down? Am I slipping further into the patterns that will leave me scared of my own shadow one day. Am I too frightened to use my voice? I want to live faith, believe in my husband, build up my kids and connect with you all out of freedom of language and not by withholding myself out of perceived self-protection.
In my version of being, I will never give enough, be enough and live expecting to fail. The truth is I am failing, but that history does not promote my further attempts at success. I am not good with saying Happy Birthday or sending Thank you's, but I am good at thinking about you on runs or while I sit watching my kids run around the yard. I love you and I want to be there and let you be here and I will continue to fight for that in this year.
So now I sit drinking my second store bought caffein drink and anticipate an afternoon of watching David and Isaac frolic in the hot Spring sun while I anticipate our next hug and real conversation.
1 comment:
Happy Birthday [a few months late I know...]
To me, meds can help a person become more of who they are [by restoring a chemical equilibrium without which it is hard to walk straight], not less. I view taking them as a victory, not a defeat.
I came on this by Henri Nouwen yesterday:
"Have courage," we often say to one another. Courage is a spiritual virtue. The word courage comes from the Latin word cor, which means "heart. A courageous act is an act coming from the heart."
Working on health,whether it is emotional, spiritual, physical, or mental health is an act of courage, to work towards the wholeness God created us to have. When things are broken, we feel it in our heart. When we take a step forward to healing, we are acting courageously.
sorry if this sounds like a sermon...don't mean it to be at all, just wanted to affirm what you are doing.
Also when I was depressed, I found that most people who had never been depressed weren't so helpful. They tended to have a 'just suck it up' view, which may work when it's a few days of feeling blue, but doesn't work when it is something deeper and longer. In fact, one reason I became depressed is because I was trying so hard to suck it up and ignore the pain.
Grace,
Annie
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