As I think about my living in close proximity to 56+ co-housers (neighbors), to the point that they pull weeds form my front yard, know where I am most of the time, see my son barefoot in only a diaper and observe my parenting (or non-parenting when my 5 year old can't find me). I have talked about the struggle to appear competent, but as one of my best friends departed for Chicago today, I got to thinking that all of my closest friends live elsewhere. Not that I don't have close friends here, but I have more depth in my knowing people when they no longer live here.
I have lost a few of my favorite people over time, a few college roommates, a few women who wanted to go deeper with me and even family members who live nearby but who I never see. It got me thinking about why that is? Why are distant friendships safer? Why are having people in my life on a daily basis too threatening? I know that part of it is that I tend to offer and try to help too much. I think too that my friends who actively want God to show up in BIG ways in their lives, want that for me too. I can't imagine what I would have to do to manage anyone wanting too much for me.
My writing coach often fights for my time and gifts more then I do. Maybe accountability to people who want so much for me and whom I see every morning would feel scary. Maybe that is my conflict with God. I know he wants so much and I just want to hide in the belly of a ship heading for an opposite shore (like Jonah).
As I think about what I want, there are a few narratives I could work towards. One would be limit my focus to my family alone (safety). The second would be some kind of work/ structured ministry or job (this one is appealing, but feels like I would abandon my household). The third is to do everything to avoid the question all together. But what I really want is to observe and write life. To work out the conflicts and questions, so like my friend heading for Chicago, I too see myself on a journey that is bigger then me and congruent with who I am in Christ. I want to speak in such a way that my neighbors become more open, I become more open. I see long term wilting of people, because they focus more and more on the dead bush in their view then the budding forest just beyond it. A friend mentioned advice she received that if you have options, choose the one that is least certain, where you have to rely the most on God. That is where I sit.
My struggles are about engaging people as me, engaging with a God that wants great things for me and letting go of control in my knowing and being known by anyone.
1 comment:
I do want too much for you--or not too much but just enough, no more than you can bear. I believe that already God is showing up in BIG ways in your life, just because you're asking these questions. It seems like each of the narratives you propose are in some ways running away from the no-saying to others and the yes-saying to yourself you are being taught by God. It's painful, change, but I believe that you can stand up to the well-meaning people who judge your landscaping or your activities or your parenting, NOT non-parenting.
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