My mom loved mysteries. She would go to our favorite used book seller, Mrs Beverly Potter at the Title Page back then in a little apartment space behind the main strip of stores, stacked and stuffed with finds. I would go an imagine myself a reader, buying books I did not read, but pretended I would. I am always surprised when I do finish anything, which is more often now (though I still tell myself I won't or don't). The critic in me says, you aren't a reader, or a writer, so why pretend. At this, I go back to Dave Eggers Critic Essay, because I love it! I also want to live in the wake of his initiative towards doing and being and following what feels relevant and alive in anyone's story. I also sit with Anne Lamott's "Shitty First Drafts."
This week, I have instituted a habit or practice in regards to my faith project around my inner critic. I sent him to Florida or Jail, I'm not sure, but either way he will have plenty to judge there, while I give myself the benefit of ideas, dreams, and assume positive intent within myself no matter what. This means when I begin to question if I will write anything good, or be likable to others or frown in the mirror (as it is midday and I have not touched my hair), I decide to laugh about it just being quirky me. I can get dressed if I decide to now, but whatever I do is ok.
The truth I love reading and I am beginning to revisit my writing and what matters to me. I do have stories in this moment that matter. I just finished a novella called "Sorry, Wrong Number," by Lucille Fletcher and Allan Ullman that deals with a couples life and death in its last five hours. The husband, Henry marries Leona, a multi-multimillionaire, but he wants this idea of having much more of his own real money to prove himself to everyone. He deals drugs and makes good money, but keeps gambling it away in hopes of making much more. Then his wife pretends to be deathly ill, as her control over the facade of a happy life crumbles. In the end someone in New York City might be murdered at 11:15 pm. She could put the pieces together and survive it, she could tell someone her husband hired the hit man to get her money, but that would shatter the 10 year dreamy marriage story. In the end she can't move (you are trying to lift her and make her get out of her bed), can't yell out the window (all you want is for her to make a loud noise), so she lets her facade become her end (sorry I guess I told you the ending).
But my choices are quite different. I want to jump out of bed at 6:30 AM and read my bible. I keep going to bed thinking, I can take tomorrow off, but I wait up without an alarm and don't want to keep sleeping. I am running and breathing and relating and feeling possibilities. For today, I am grateful for new habits and am contemplating what other experiments I should add into my life project!!!
Friday, January 17, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Christ's Guts and My Guts
My pastor preached on Philippians 1 this week and hit the verse, "God can testy how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus." He then said that the word affection, translates from Greek as guts, bowels, or innards. The word, "guts," made me think about my blog, and my mission in getting at the guts of self, God and other. I would add to this a desire to experience beauty and learn how to love profoundly.
A VERY popular acquaintance of mine came over for an Insanity workout in my basement and talked about how her aggressiveness has made her successful in the most unusual sports and jobs. She is non-stop action and new starts, popularity, small business and I get overwhelmed just thinking about being in relationship with her.
As I considerer the work of loving, I'm terrified at the notion of small talk, selling my smiles, advertising my words, myself as something another would want to spend time on. Last night I dreamt I was a side character in a TV drama and I becomes stressed by how to act off camera, for fear people would dismiss met. In the dream that followed, I gave advice to a good friend who felt guilty about making super hero accessories (arm bands, and head pieces and add on patches) and hating herself for it. I told her she should listen to her gut, but also know God gave her gifts and wants her to enjoy what she loves.
I watched Sandra Aamodt's TED talk on "Resolve to Never Diet Again," and one thing she said was that there are bits in the brain that regulate eating to help us stay in a range of a weight (fluctuating 10 to 15 pounds). A second thing she said was that just like walking and reading and things we do so subconsciously, if we learn to eat as a response to hunger in a similar way, our brains are free to focus on other work.
As a part of my own faith experiment, I would like to practice elements of faith in such a way that they become muscle memories, to allow the sitting down with God to be less of a struggle so that I can be natural in my living in Christ.
Three actions in my Faith Project are these:
1. Have a list of people to follow in matters of faith, whose voices resonate with guts, beauty, quiet and/or living truthfully in culture: Berne Brown, Marilyn Robinson and Jill Peraez Baumgaertner. Read and look up what is current in their thinking and work.
2. Examine the reasons I believe in God, through stories and reflection on my faith.
3. Memorize verses/prayers that express my hopes/goals in identifying with Christ.
(plus the one mentioned in my prior blog post)
*I can check off each day the work I do and consider its effects at the end of the month.
A VERY popular acquaintance of mine came over for an Insanity workout in my basement and talked about how her aggressiveness has made her successful in the most unusual sports and jobs. She is non-stop action and new starts, popularity, small business and I get overwhelmed just thinking about being in relationship with her.
As I considerer the work of loving, I'm terrified at the notion of small talk, selling my smiles, advertising my words, myself as something another would want to spend time on. Last night I dreamt I was a side character in a TV drama and I becomes stressed by how to act off camera, for fear people would dismiss met. In the dream that followed, I gave advice to a good friend who felt guilty about making super hero accessories (arm bands, and head pieces and add on patches) and hating herself for it. I told her she should listen to her gut, but also know God gave her gifts and wants her to enjoy what she loves.
I watched Sandra Aamodt's TED talk on "Resolve to Never Diet Again," and one thing she said was that there are bits in the brain that regulate eating to help us stay in a range of a weight (fluctuating 10 to 15 pounds). A second thing she said was that just like walking and reading and things we do so subconsciously, if we learn to eat as a response to hunger in a similar way, our brains are free to focus on other work.
As a part of my own faith experiment, I would like to practice elements of faith in such a way that they become muscle memories, to allow the sitting down with God to be less of a struggle so that I can be natural in my living in Christ.
Three actions in my Faith Project are these:
1. Have a list of people to follow in matters of faith, whose voices resonate with guts, beauty, quiet and/or living truthfully in culture: Berne Brown, Marilyn Robinson and Jill Peraez Baumgaertner. Read and look up what is current in their thinking and work.
2. Examine the reasons I believe in God, through stories and reflection on my faith.
3. Memorize verses/prayers that express my hopes/goals in identifying with Christ.
(plus the one mentioned in my prior blog post)
*I can check off each day the work I do and consider its effects at the end of the month.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Happiness Project
Today is January 10th. I have been waiting for a month to get back to normal, to writing hours, to a routine that incorporates reflection and revelation. My boys are both in school right now, husband working a regular day and me, feeling frantic. I sit in Roos Roast's nest of a shop with journals, books two New Yorkers (I will not read), and I'm struck by how difficult it is to direct my mind; to intention myself into anything.
I have loved listening to Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, almost feeling like I am doing all the cool things she describes. I feel happy in the realm of possibilities she describes doing herself.
Increase energy, check.
Obtain order, check.
Love your husband better, check.
Structure my writing more efficiently, check.
Do something hard, check.
Yes YES YEEESSSSS PLEASE!!! I think. She has a simple sheet for tracking goals, ways to start new projects like happiness blogs and the like. But as days of January pass, I feel less able to broach her next set of intentions, because I am distracted and I have not committed to anything of the first three months.
My therapist said recently that with chaos comes sloth, passivity, entropy, lack of centering, no self. The scholars would say the ultimate quest is towards profound love. That can be achieved through ordering and experiencing beauty and focusing in the knowledge of how God relates to us, and thus we to him and others. Profound love.
I wonder about relating to myself, the true me, outside of all those faces I try to hide behind, as one sees so brilliantly presented in the movie American Hustle. The faces I cling to in being helpful, in saying yes to pleasing, in not exploring what I know to be true, what I really desire, how I can love, make me chase my tail in games with people, to the point of exhaustion.
I wonder how to engage with others in a lasting way that allows me to be myself. I look for formula for connection with someone, such as, A. Catch up on what is going on with them, B. offer an affirmation, C. seek their opinion on something, repeat. Put this on a goals list and check off to see how my experiences with people grow?
The truth is I know the true answer and avoid it. It is in ordering myself with God. Sitting and sharing my heart and waiting to hear his response, his nudging. I told my therapist what I needed to do was wake up earlier and spend time with God. I have been saying this for years. My therapist suggested I wake up a half hour early every other day and to compare those with the days I don't, to see if there is a difference. So that is what this week is will be, Sat, Mon, Wed, Fri, Sun, Tues, Thurs are early, the other days late. I am fighting the urge to wake up 3 hours early to do everything I "should do," which includes writing, running, God, and getting ready for the day. But that creates an impossible senario of a 4 AM start time and a large sleep deficit and honestly missing the focus of God in the mix. So this experiment begins tomorrow and will last 2 weeks. I will use my check-in box from Gretchen and see what happens.
I have loved listening to Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, almost feeling like I am doing all the cool things she describes. I feel happy in the realm of possibilities she describes doing herself.
Increase energy, check.
Obtain order, check.
Love your husband better, check.
Structure my writing more efficiently, check.
Do something hard, check.
Yes YES YEEESSSSS PLEASE!!! I think. She has a simple sheet for tracking goals, ways to start new projects like happiness blogs and the like. But as days of January pass, I feel less able to broach her next set of intentions, because I am distracted and I have not committed to anything of the first three months.
My therapist said recently that with chaos comes sloth, passivity, entropy, lack of centering, no self. The scholars would say the ultimate quest is towards profound love. That can be achieved through ordering and experiencing beauty and focusing in the knowledge of how God relates to us, and thus we to him and others. Profound love.
I wonder about relating to myself, the true me, outside of all those faces I try to hide behind, as one sees so brilliantly presented in the movie American Hustle. The faces I cling to in being helpful, in saying yes to pleasing, in not exploring what I know to be true, what I really desire, how I can love, make me chase my tail in games with people, to the point of exhaustion.
I wonder how to engage with others in a lasting way that allows me to be myself. I look for formula for connection with someone, such as, A. Catch up on what is going on with them, B. offer an affirmation, C. seek their opinion on something, repeat. Put this on a goals list and check off to see how my experiences with people grow?
The truth is I know the true answer and avoid it. It is in ordering myself with God. Sitting and sharing my heart and waiting to hear his response, his nudging. I told my therapist what I needed to do was wake up earlier and spend time with God. I have been saying this for years. My therapist suggested I wake up a half hour early every other day and to compare those with the days I don't, to see if there is a difference. So that is what this week is will be, Sat, Mon, Wed, Fri, Sun, Tues, Thurs are early, the other days late. I am fighting the urge to wake up 3 hours early to do everything I "should do," which includes writing, running, God, and getting ready for the day. But that creates an impossible senario of a 4 AM start time and a large sleep deficit and honestly missing the focus of God in the mix. So this experiment begins tomorrow and will last 2 weeks. I will use my check-in box from Gretchen and see what happens.
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