Happiness Project

Today is January 10th. I have been waiting for a month to get back to normal, to writing hours, to a routine that incorporates reflection and revelation. My boys are both in school right now, husband working a regular day and me, feeling frantic. I sit in Roos Roast's nest of a shop with journals, books two New Yorkers (I will not read), and I'm struck by how difficult it is to direct my mind; to intention myself into anything.

I have loved listening to Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project, almost feeling like I am doing all the cool things she describes. I feel happy in the realm of possibilities she describes doing herself.
Increase energy, check.
Obtain order, check.
Love your husband better, check.
Structure my writing more efficiently, check.
Do something hard, check.
Yes YES YEEESSSSS PLEASE!!! I think. She has a simple sheet for tracking goals, ways to start new projects like happiness blogs and the like. But as days of January pass, I feel less able to broach her next set of intentions, because I am distracted and I have not committed to anything of the first three months.

My therapist said recently that with chaos comes sloth, passivity, entropy, lack of centering, no self. The scholars would say the ultimate quest is towards profound love. That can be achieved through ordering and experiencing beauty and focusing in the knowledge of how God relates to us, and thus we to him and others. Profound love.

I wonder about relating to myself, the true me, outside of all those faces I try to hide behind, as one sees so brilliantly presented in the movie American Hustle. The faces I cling to in being helpful, in saying yes to pleasing, in not exploring what I know to be true, what I really desire, how I can love, make me chase my tail in games with people, to the point of exhaustion.

I wonder how to engage with others in a lasting way that allows me to be myself. I look for formula for connection with someone, such as, A. Catch up on what is going on with them, B. offer an affirmation, C. seek their opinion on something, repeat. Put this on a goals list and check off to see how my experiences with people grow?

The truth is I know the true answer and avoid it. It is in ordering myself with God. Sitting and sharing my heart and waiting to hear his response, his nudging. I told my therapist what I needed to do was wake up earlier and spend time with God. I have been saying this for years.  My therapist suggested I wake up a half hour early every other day and to compare those with the days I don't, to see if there is a difference. So that is what this week is will be, Sat, Mon, Wed, Fri, Sun, Tues, Thurs are early, the other days late. I am fighting the urge to wake up 3 hours early to do everything I "should do," which includes writing, running, God, and getting ready for the day. But that creates an impossible senario of a 4 AM start time and a large sleep deficit and honestly missing the focus of God in the mix. So this experiment begins tomorrow and will last 2 weeks. I will use my check-in box from Gretchen and see what happens.