Amigdala Hijack

I am leading the singing for our Churche's Kids Camp and realizing I am not able to focus, which is stressful when all eyes are on me! [I bet I wrote this same post a year ago today, the last time I lead music]. I have been on the go with travel, childcare, out of town friends and life commitments.  Now I need to remember when to have my hands up and down, out and then in as 100 kids try to follow my lead. At one point this morning, I went blank and worried I would stay that way, limping to the end of the song as kids looked to the other lead person. I want to be praising God and honestly, hearing people say I am doing a good job and the reality is, I can't trust myself to remember. Further, I can't serve hot dogs for the fifth consecutive default lunch and dinner meal, since my six year old started breakfast with, "Mom, maybe we can take a break from hot dogs for a while."

A friend visits from far away and I can't enjoy sitting, though I might have enjoyed the one beer I gulped down in her presence. There is a huge self-care piece missing. My husband strongly encouraged me to take a few hours for myself yesterday and I couldn't even get myself to consider it. Now, after what feels like weeks, I am at my computer for a few hours trying to rethink my own equation of daily functioning. The equation of just run and collect the pieces on the second or third or fifth loop around leads to burnout. Should I do more to prepare or do less worrying about it or just sit here for a while and let other pieces fall as they will? Do I lower my expectations that I will remember the motions or make a healthy dinner? Do I allow myself to be tired as I sing to God? 

The truth is that in my tired state, I default to my emotions. I'm like a two year old who is overtired and just needs sleep, but fights it. Thankfully, I am thirty-eight and do know how to be still, as I am doing right now. I can sing to God and can kiss my boys on the forehead and tell them how much I love them, even as I entrust them to others care. I pray that I can remember to be loved and to love, despite all that I do and don't do, all that I am and am not. It is for God that I live and breath and may I always keep my hands and eyes up!