Expectations Good or Bad?

I recently came to believe that I would be great if I didn't have expectations. I could go along for the ride and have a great time, without worrying or feeling disappointed. I felt pretty good with my new mantra and had friends try it out and feel the same, until I proudly told my therapist of this breakthrough. Typical of life and especially therapist he asked, "What's wrong with expectations" and followed that with, "When did I learn that expectations were bad?"

Here is where I pause and sigh. Of course I have to go back and consider my relationship to desiring, to commitments to myself and others and possibly the value of expecting thing. What do I want when I am not alone buying art supplies just for me or working on my novel that might never get to the second chapter. Conflict comes when I am painting an old man with a large nose during a class, and then see him looking at students work and realize he will come around and see how I portray his large noggin, that I frantically shrink to medium-small. As people view my work, how do I feel I am honest or dishonest, good or bad and why? To meet expectations, to avoid criticism, to be perceived as kind? 

I have read about intrinsic and extrinsic motivations and I think I am lacking skill in how intrinsic motivations work outside of myself. This man is a professional model who is drawn regularly and seen his nose for many years, so why do I try to hide it from him? I realize that I was waiting for permission or the teacher to come redraw it with her brush. There is a neediness and dependence that I count on. 

There has to be a better solution then waiting for someone to tell me good job or to bring me dinner or tell me I am worthy of painting a nose. My therapist suggested the habit of not expecting anything of myself and waiting for others to take care of me has been an answer to something (there is a rationale to it).

I know there is a better way, some counter-dependence of consistent receiving and giving. Even as I write, I am hoping for the gut knowing of why I act helpless about what matters, how I can connect the dots and make changes. 

This brings me to my next blog post, which will be how I keep arrogantly theorizing about what others should do to fix what I perceive are their problems.