I'm a Painter Too

It is funny talking about what I do in my days, because it is mostly based on paying someone for the luxury of time and ideas. I hire an expert when I paint, write, play guitar, look deeply into my psyche so they can push me deeper. Thinking about it makes me both proud that I forge on and embarrassed that I need so much help (and at the expense).

At Tuesday's painting, Nancy (the teacher) suggested I commit to smoother blocks of color. Professor Joel Sheesley used to say the same about my pencil marks, to make confident lines that hold. It applies to music too, Sean saying start at the end of the count, keep playing, sing on clue, all in sync with him.

I'd like to be more committed to the spaces around those places, the ones where we are out playing, where I ask questions of my neighbors, the thinking in the car where I can sit and listen to my kids tell stories. It takes intentional silence for me to hear.

The best moments this week are in the fact that I don't have it together. Isaac and I sitting in the dealership for 2 hours playing with magnetic frogs. I don't have to stress about not making food, a messy toilet bowl, because the seat is clean enough. I am showing up and ok with imperfection, with people being disappointed. I continue to consider how when people try to play at being their own "god," they expect everyone else to respond to their emotions. It is fraught with them being discontent and me always failing them (because I can't perfectly please them all the time, and if I try, I am no longer me but an attempted copy robot like copy of them).

I just don't want to live myself as disappointed. I want to live as glad for sunshine, for a moment on the step of my neighbor sharing a cancer story, anticipating David's music recital at 1:45 where he will play the kettle drum, knowing Isaac gets an hour with Maureen all by himself, which he loves.

I did begin a painting on Wednesday night all my own of water and a dock. I kept thinking I would add two little bodies sitting with backs to me at the end. I still might, but my husband said no. He really liked it and said keep making them and we can put them up all over the house. I enjoy that it is my own and I can't help but love that it delights him as well.