This morning I laughed at my huge mess of books and papers that quickly collect along my side of the bed, just past anyone else's view. My husband has purchased book cases, storage bins, desks and all are full, but yet more accumulates. I laugh at a huge mess topped with library checkouts with titles like, 365 days to an Organized life, Simple ways to Organize, Essentialism, Joy of Less, Organize your brain. . . etc.
People say you create your own experience. My closest friends along with acquaintances I most envy are ones that have simple rythms and quick ways to prioritize. As I observe I notice a few things: 1) They are very clear about what is already happening past, present, future so they can say yes or no quickly to requests. 2)Those items in existence are intentional and fit with their value systems. 3)When I am with them, they are fully with me, no distractions, no phone out on the table waiting for a buzz that needs an instant response.
I have recently come to two new or old discoveries about myself that challenge me here. Firstly, I don't allow for my past to influence or add value, so I am constantly reinventing or starting over. Its like I'm trying re-start the same short story over and over, rather then accepting it is here and working through or moving to the next phase of sharing or experiencing it in a larger context. It also happens that in relationships I am always re-working to show my value, rather then relaxing into the silence and listening, because I am still trying to prove my role, or earn my place with another.
The second one I shared with a friend recently was my dilemma at having lots of ideas and intentions, but rather then acting on them or releasing them from my brain, I persepherate and become stuck in them, and feel disappointed in myself and jealous of everyone else, who is acting. His response overwhelmed me, "Maybe there is a third possibility here," he said, "That you aren't valuing yourself enough to act on your ideas." His words sobered me right up. Value my ideas, value my past experiences, value my words, my banked activities and then go for things, what would that look like.
I've got plans, though. I can feel the value in my veins as I consider this and I want to jump and scream and really become useful to myself. I know I can write. I consider the positive responses of strangers, family and friends and wonder why it didn't settle into my finger tips as they type away. Even more, the moments I hear my words as if they are not mine, but something greater and more powerful in a way that changes me. So I got into a tiny experiemantal M.F.A program at Eastern Michigan and I can go sign up for a class at a time if I want and I do want and I will write.