I have worked many jobs in my 35 years. In them, I live by the motto, I will figure it out. The insurmountables were overcome as I stumbled through financial formulas in Excel, developed courses in communications and fired several people while being empathetic.
In each role, I have had to pretend I was competent until others and I believed it. Running for Nike, working in HR and now being in a "mom" role are challenging. My skills are not the traditional ones you would seek out if you were looking to hire in the exacting work they require. Each has a lot to do with planning, hyper-sensitivity and having the ego of an expert.
It is not that I can't have an ego, but it takes an hour of looking in the mirror and saying the, "I'm good enough, smart enough and people like me" speech first. The confidence does not last longer than the event I target and so I go back to being a nervous reck until I launch into the psych up process all over again.
The irony is that I love an audience. There is nothing better than reading my work to a class or talking in front of a group. It gets me all pumped up. This blog is a thrill to write, because you are reading. I just reviewed my hits to this site for the first time and am floored that at one point I had 183 viewers, which makes me feel like sprinting around my circle while screaming at the top of my lungs!
Two weeks ago when I spoke at my Mom's Group, I remembered my love of an audience first hand. I had three things to share about starting a Freezer Meal Club. Here is the gist: 1) If I were to decide which sister I was between Martha and Mary (from the Bible), I would have to say I am the third sister, sitting in my room with a book. 2) If I were being considered for the job of "mom" based on what I perceive to be the job description, I would never be hired. All the planning, organizing, cleaning, disciplining and directing do not come easily. My mom didn't care about that stuff and neither do I. I watch other moms do the grunt work with the grace and ease of a ballerina pirouetting across the stage. It is not even that I am choosing to spend more time with my kids over these things as I often sit in anxious land worrying about how I will get those freezer meals made for tonight, finish the book I am to lead at book club tonight, and handle the basic needs of my family. 3) Freezer meals and babysitting co-ops and any number of other support systems are about sharing the load. I wonder why parenting is not more corporate in that I could share resources and strengths, while strategizing on the stuff I am not interested in, to make the whole situation more enjoyable. I love group planning, generating the ideas for businesses, food prep, childcare or writing. I would love to have a joint play-group and clean house event, where we could make housework about socializing over isolated manual labor. I work best with others, and thus, wonder what I am doing at home alone with my kids.
All I can think is that God has a sense of humor and is wanting me to grow more dependent on him and to let go of the formula's of others. I don't have to work inside anyone else's job description. I am my own boss and can make up my own rules! That being said, if anyone wants to have a cleaning house party or a monthly meal planning event, I am in!
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