I am all emotion spilling out of my weekend of late nights and good-byes. I have looked the deep void within my soul in the eyes and I am afraid. The eyes that as a child would watch couples kissing and think they were so happy, making me want the same attention.
I watched Water for Elephants and the main character's chief aim in life becomes satisfying his wife with every good thing she never had before their embrace. In the end she dies and leaves him anyway. I look to friends, my husband, buying more stuff, anything to plug the great obis that cries out for me to fill it with white noise. I want it to scream up at me things like, "you are not alone," "I desire you," "i'm not going to leave you," but the truth is, no words can reassure me. Even in making my husband repeat back what I believe are words of reassurance, they echo around my head and I keep grasping for more words, stronger words, better phrases that can fill me. With twelve years and 12,000 I love you's I still doubt my ability to be loved. All the insecurities and attempts at finding the exact right kiss feels like a chasing after the wind.
Today I sit at Jesus's feet knowing that to truely be free of this, I have to accept the "brutal reality" that even if I lose everything, my husband, my kids, my mom, my friends and am completely alone, I still have "fierce hope." I can only know for certain that Jesus will never leave me and desires me and loves me and that is it. So I just need to be with Him, because every other thought makes me frantic to the point of breaking.
So today I put down his words:
Psalm 121
I will life up my eyes to the mountain;
From where shall my help come? (everyone around me? NO)
My help comes from [you] Lord;
[You] who made heaven and earth.
[You] who will not allow [my] foot to slip;
[You] who keep [me] will not slumber.
Behold [You] who keep Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
[You] are my keeper;
[You] are my shade at [my] right hand.
The sun will not smite [me] by day,
Nor the mood by night.
[You] will protect [me] from all evil;
[You] will keep my soul.
[You] will guard [my] going out and [my] coming in from this time forth and forever.
(paraphrased from New American Standard Version)
1 comment:
What a beautiful, honest, raw post, Sonia. You say: "no words can reassure me." I know that's true--the only reassurance can come from inside of yourself and from Christ. I pray that as you grow, you'll begin to find that slow, small seed of hope and love grow inside of you.
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