To do things together feels tricky because it means working with others. It means wanting them to believe I like them, so they will like me. This often translates to how can I drop everything to solve their problems and be available. I realize that it does create lasting connections, but since I was a child, I have thought that if I "do enough" people will acknowledge me as a somebody.
So the alternative to fooling you is deciding what I want and showing up as me. I choose not take on your burdens so you will like me. I will pray and help, but not be consumed by my impulse to fix it. I want to find what matters to both of us and share it with you. It means believing others are honest in choosing to be my friend, so we can be ourselves together.
The work of being "good enough" or not embarrassing myself too badly is hard. I look at anyone and see the ten things they have that I don't. I wonder why I can't get my kids outfits coordinated, do my hair, carry the right snacks and instantly engage you about something you have done or care about.
I even went through Dale Carnage's 12 week program on Winning Friends and Influencing people and it backfired. It taught me how to get people to talk, but not me how to speak. My goal today is to stop and listen to what I want so I can relax. I will tell my guests my schedule, my family members what I can commit to, and overall let go of the conflicts within myself. If I want to hang out at home all day, I can declare my plan with confidence.
Further, my stretch for this week is to deal with the anxiety of working with a therapist. The conflict is between seeking change or attempting to make her feel good. To pretend I am "bad enough" to justify her time. To do what I think she wants in order for her to feel good. And my pattern continues.
How do I break this habit? Decide to say what I want to myself before entering the scene. Then I don't have to live in dissonance when I am around you.
God, help me to speak my heart so I can experience real relationships.
1 comment:
An amazing, brave post, Sonia. I was thinking the other day about telling the truth, and how dangerous but powerful it is. If I tell you the truth--I love your story, I like you for who you are, I'm busy today--whatever my truth is, it makes our relationship so much more powerful because I can trust you. I can trust that when you say something, it's true, and I can believe you.
I don't think this battle is one we ever win, but I do think that recommitting to it daily will help us get better.
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