The ideal version of me would have the fridge stocked, the house cleaned, the clothes organized and a wake-up song ready to stir the house an hour after I am up. The pessimistic me wants to rebel and be let off the hook, have a legitimate reason to focus elsewhere, to be rid of the pressure of being a great provider. If only I could pile on a few classes, part time gigs and anything that will allow me to be ok to fail at all of it. The pattern will then look like this: me doing it all, me frantic, me surviving through in reactive mode but finishing with some adrenaline rush and crashing without as much guilt.
I am told that I need to pretend my internal life is important and matters. That being aware and speaking up for myself to myself must come first. Then I can be in my life rather then trying to play other roles for other people who have needs I can take on to let me off the hook. So I am afraid of things that feel like hooks, yet I can't manage alone. When I sat at church on Sunday I thought, if I could only just bask in God's glory, all the rest would be less urgent.
So according to HowWeLove.com, I am a "vacillator" and my work is to become a "secure connector," with a list of things to work towards, in becoming balanced, healthy, open to self and others and better able to thrive in real relationships.
In this journey, I pray for clarity of purpose, for a way to fight distraction, to lean into a schedule and to create spaces where I can engage with myself and kids first thing and last thing and in between as we open ourselves to public learning.
No comments:
Post a Comment