Utopian Living

I have recently compared a list of two world views to make my own brilliant point that one is clearly better, when it hit me that both are faulty. They come out of conversations about a group trying to form their own Utopia juxtaposed with my Church's Small Group. As I list them, it hits me that there is a third column that is more clearly in line with where I wish I could be!

Utopia 

- Dreaming
- Building a community, 100 to 200 hand picked people
- Self sustaining (using no resources outside community)
- Having no negative impact on environment
- Living outside of laws or restrictions
- Open relationships - everyone is a god or goddesses
- Me in control of me and my group only
- Closed loop, but with diverse people and many views

(My judgment of this:-fantasy, stuck, looses site of what is now and here, trying to quench unquenchable desire, losing sight of a larger view, once attained wanting more)

Church Small Group

- Playing nicely
- Happening in real time
- Humility/brokenness/ honesty
- Underlying trust/ desire for others good
- Awareness of sin and grace
- Telling harder stories – not happy or unhappy, but often hard
- Reality that God is in control/ - Ideally sense I can be myself around others

(My challenge heres is that I can become passive or rely too much on others for my faith.)

 A Christian Artist Friend

- Looking outside of what is seen
- Questions lead to more questions - uncertainties about what you thought you knew
- He is what people see -not pointing elsewhere as much as embodying belief
- In motion – real time/ -In control of seeing/acting/wanting
- Creating/responding actively outside of a community or inside (but not becoming the community, staying himself)
- Defining his space or being himself in relationships with others
- Seeing self as having a role to play wherever you are (though it changes with circumstances)
- Often in one on one or small group dialogues

(My fear here is that I want this view but I can't figure out how to be this way. It can be lonely and people can misunderstand and you can more easily be dismissed/rejected)

My goal is to link arms with people, like a friend who believes in healing, one working on fighting human trafficking, one who is fighting for hope amidst depression, one known as a profit. I see so much bravery around me and wish I could speak truth without fear. God give me a voice!

Psalm 131: Gods Words I Want to Make My Own

I am struck by Psalm 131 and the sense of silence that embodies these three verses. I wonder at the darker side of people feeling lonely and longing to fill the black hole that seems to unexpectedly knock on our souls as the nights grow longer and the cool winds blow the trees bare.

(English Standard Version)

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;

    my eyes are not raised too high;

I do not occupy myself with things

    too great and too marvelous for me.

But I have calmed and quieted my soul,

    like a weaned child with its mother;

    like a weaned child is my soul within me.

O Israel, hope in the Lord

    from this time forth and forevermore.

(The Message)

God, I’m not trying to rule the roost,

    I don’t want to be king of the mountain.

I haven’t meddled where I have no business

    or fantasized grandiose plans.

I’ve kept my feet on the ground,

    I’ve cultivated a quiet heart.

Like a baby content in its mother’s arms,

    my soul is a baby content.

Wait, Israel, for God. Wait with hope.

    Hope now; hope always!

The pastors of The Branch Church in Grand Rapids are preaching about God's Kingdom and the Worlds Kingdom colliding (or battling) here on earth and I can't help but wonder at how we receive and grow as children of a loving father and living out of that identity, safety and provision, while also contributing fearlessly to the work he encourages us.

A Bigger Calling

Why is it that I can dream of when I will be able to run, push the accelerated on the treadmill and count my 11 days to the Chicago Marathon and yet struggle to find 5 minutes to write. I have to believe that the bigger goals are the ones that pull us into the greater goal, through daily work. If I don't run now, I will not run well later. I put money and time and emotion into this event and it is a powerful part of my identity and connectedness to my mind, my body and the landscape around me.

So I want a Writing Marathon. Not a NanoWrimo per-se or a new class that forces me into its deadlines, but a calling or mission that makes me jump out of bed earlier or settle for 20 minute pockets of my characters wondering if the leftovers are still good, or will make them sick, the wet toilet seat of their son's making is worth correcting for the 10th time or not. Beyond the moments, I want them to lead to questions like, is God is watching, waiting, causing evil or making a great good come about. I want to see how and why people believe and reject God and the consequences or benefits that come about because so many people seem to be doing great or horribly and the patterns are often unpredictable. Amongst believers, why does someone have to go through losing a child, while someone else gets to enjoy theirs? I guess I want the questions to come out more forcefully in my own story and conversation too.

Our pastor, Chuck Jacobs has been preaching on the book of Jonah and I can't help but consider choices and how Jonah has work to do, through his calling and relationship with God and man. Jonah had to go. No one else took his place nor did God give up on the mission to tell the people to repent. In my recent visit to a Grand Rapids Church, The Branch, which is a missional church, I was struck by how each member has important roles to play in order for the church to survive. 9 years and they need everyone to fund their work, they need everyone to participate, and view their work as that of discipling people that surround them inside and outside of their Church family. I want to matter and again wonder how I create the urgency and understand the work that is now and requires me.

Ladder of Connectedness

My therapist gave me a new idea and I am scratching at it, like it is some notion you must keep pealing layers off of to get at its ending prize, "You Win." He introduced it as The Ladder of Connectedness and described it as listening to someone's Thesis, then coming up with your own Antithesis, and they with both pieces Synthesizing them. Once there, you take the synthesized idea and make it the thesis and begin again. The idea is that at some level you get to a thought that is interesting to both the other person and you.

I started my first attempt with a scenario where I put out a lot of watermelon for a group and one person ate it all. I was mad, partially because she wasn't sharing with others, partly because there was none left over for my kids. So there is the thesis, She ate all the watermelon. Antithesis, I didn't want it all eaten by her. Synthesis/The thesis: We both want something for the watermelon. Antithesis: Neither of us want anything for the watermelon. Synthesis: We both have preferences or experiences that dictate our actions. Maybe she was given a lot or none as a child, or is really hungry. For me, I was one of seven kids, so we had to consider everyone and never got a full bowl of fruit. Then it is interesting to talk about.

I often assume I should just nod and affirm another person, but often I end up tuning out. I am especially bad with my kids, who are often saying, "Did you hear me?," to which I say, "yes, you said . . . ," but even after repeating their words, I realize it is lip service and I don't know what they are saying. I am journaling about what matters to another and then where I can engage with them on that topic that is interesting to me too. I want to put on my ears in a way that is loving and connected, though this concept seems overwhelming to master. If you feel like playing along in the learning process, feel free to throw out a topic and i'll try to engage along the ladder with you.

Sing For Me: Must Read!

I love reading Nick Honrby's column, What I've Been Reading. He puts a list of books out, then interweaves them with his life. This week as I read Karen Halversen Schreck's, Sing for Me, it made me think more about the stories and work that has been created, and that still needs to be written. I have heard that Schreck started this work in college and has come back complete it now, some 30 years later. The characters, the lives, seem to be long felt, real and I would be shocked if she told me she didn't have a sibling with a severe disability.

The details of this story seem simple enough, romance, faith, a desire to sing "secular songs," and race. Having lived in Chicago and spent many a night in the long line to get into a dance club like, Circus or X-Caliber, I wondered at my lives, faith, pulsing music with a drink in hand. I don't go out at 2 AM anymore, mostly because that would require childcare and a willing partner, but I still sit with the questions of musical choice, how much I allow myself to laugh at belittling jokes or pretend I'm not too religious on Friday night and a believer Sunday morning. 

This story is perfect for taking me out of my world, while really allowing me to experience my world. It is my family family too, their judgements, and the serious risk required to live outside others and inside ones own skin. Sing for me made me want to sing loud, to be the one person to stand up to terrorists, to do something that was about fighting for God, outside of conformity, of what's expected. 

There is a sense that the characters are all doomed. The tension is great, as you might be beaten or just told by another, they are not interested. I want to tell them to stop fighting for love, but I can't. I can't do anything but hope they will take a little bus to a land without conflict (Utopia?), but barring that, they have to be together. People have to love and lose all because that is what keeps them alive to a relational God.