Ladder of Connectedness

My therapist gave me a new idea and I am scratching at it, like it is some notion you must keep pealing layers off of to get at its ending prize, "You Win." He introduced it as The Ladder of Connectedness and described it as listening to someone's Thesis, then coming up with your own Antithesis, and they with both pieces Synthesizing them. Once there, you take the synthesized idea and make it the thesis and begin again. The idea is that at some level you get to a thought that is interesting to both the other person and you.

I started my first attempt with a scenario where I put out a lot of watermelon for a group and one person ate it all. I was mad, partially because she wasn't sharing with others, partly because there was none left over for my kids. So there is the thesis, She ate all the watermelon. Antithesis, I didn't want it all eaten by her. Synthesis/The thesis: We both want something for the watermelon. Antithesis: Neither of us want anything for the watermelon. Synthesis: We both have preferences or experiences that dictate our actions. Maybe she was given a lot or none as a child, or is really hungry. For me, I was one of seven kids, so we had to consider everyone and never got a full bowl of fruit. Then it is interesting to talk about.

I often assume I should just nod and affirm another person, but often I end up tuning out. I am especially bad with my kids, who are often saying, "Did you hear me?," to which I say, "yes, you said . . . ," but even after repeating their words, I realize it is lip service and I don't know what they are saying. I am journaling about what matters to another and then where I can engage with them on that topic that is interesting to me too. I want to put on my ears in a way that is loving and connected, though this concept seems overwhelming to master. If you feel like playing along in the learning process, feel free to throw out a topic and i'll try to engage along the ladder with you.